


cages or wings

by hamburr



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Domestic Fluff, Dysphoria, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Single Parents, Slow Burn, Tags Contain Spoilers, Trans Aaron Burr, Trans Character, Trans Theodosia Prevost Burr, past pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-09-19 07:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9428255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr/pseuds/hamburr
Summary: Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr are coworkers and mutually disinterested in each other, until they find that they are both single parents of children the same age. And until their kids become completely inseparable best friends. And until... well. I'll let them tell it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [cages or wings, which do you prefer? ask the birds. fear or love, baby -- don't say the answer. actions speak louder than words.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9N531yuHgOY)

The only thing Alexander really notices about his new coworker is that he is disarmingly handsome. He doesn’t speak up much at meetings, or ever; he doesn’t seem to have made any friends in the office; and he leaves promptly at the exact same time every day. His office is next to Alexander’s, and every day he sees him walk past without so much as a glance in Alexander’s direction.

So Alexander doesn’t go out of his way, figuring since he’s not putting in the effort, Alex doesn’t need to either.

This changes, however, when he runs into Aaron Burr taking his daughter into their work’s daycare service one morning.

“Burr!” Alexander says, cheerful from over-caffeination. “I didn’t know you had a kid!”

Aaron frowns at him. “I’ve been bringing her into the daycare since I started here.”

“Oh. I have a son! He’s probably about her age; he’s three. How old is she?”

“I’m Theo and I’m three,” Theo says, holding up three fingers to emphasize her point. Her hair is pulled up into two fluffy buns on the top of her head. She looks just as stubborn as her father, though far more unwilling to be talked over. She looks just like him in general, actually -- for the fact that her eyes are the exact same shape and color as his, how her natural expression mirrors Aaron’s observant thoughtfulness. It occurs to Alexander to wonder if Aaron is married.

“Nice to meet you, Theo,” Alexander says. Theo does not look terribly impressed.

“We must be going,” Aaron says, and doesn’t wait for Alexander’s response before he turns and continues down the hallway with Theo.

Alexander stands there for a moment, realizing that this is possibly the longest one-on-one interaction he’s had with Aaron Burr.

He had never really considered that Aaron might have a life outside of the office. He might have a spouse; he obviously has a child. Aaron is always so stiff, so formal, so put together when he shows up at the office. His clothes are neat and fit him perfectly; he is always clean-shaven and his hair never seems to change in length. The physicality involved in having a child is not something Alexander can easily put together with the perception he’d had of Aaron, who he’d almost thought of as robotic before.

And Alexander needs to stop thinking about Aaron having a child with his theoretical partner while he’s standing in the middle of the hallway, because wow, Alex, that's kind of weird. He rolls his eyes at himself and goes to his office.

 

Suddenly the two men seem to run into each other all the time. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that Alexander tries a little harder to make it to work at the same time every day, which coincidentally happens to be the same time Aaron arrives. Aaron affects annoyance when he sees Alexander, but as weeks continue to pass, he can see a smile in Aaron’s eyes when he says hello.

 

That fall, both Aaron’s daughter Theo and Alex’s son Philip start kindergarten. They go to the same school, as Alexander discovers when he picks up Philip one Friday afternoon. He and his ex-wife, Eliza, have joint custody of Philip, and so Alex mostly spends weekends with his son.

“Oh, Alexander. So you are the Hamilton in Schuyler-Hamilton,” Aaron says, when Alexander walks over to where he’s standing.

“It’s not exactly the most common last name,” Alexander says, slightly miffed. “And I like to think Philip looks like me.”

Aaron appraises him, and looks out at the playground, where Philip and Theo are swinging. “You don’t have nearly enough freckles.”

“Shut up,” Alexander says. Aaron almost-but-not-quite smiles, but then Theo runs over, Philip at her heels, and Alexander was not prepared for the warmth of the smile that crosses Aaron’s face at the sight of his daughter. Aaron kneels and Theo throws her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.

“Hey, T. How was your day?” he asks her.

“It was great! Can Philip come over tonight? Or this weekend? Please, Dad?”

Aaron smiles, then glances up at Alexander. “It seems you’ll have to take it up with his father,” he says to Theo, but while he’s looking at Alexander. He seems to be studying Alex.

“I mean, I’d be all right with it,” Alexander says, a little awkwardly.

“Really?” says Philip, suddenly excited, and he hugs Alexander’s legs. “Yes!”

“We have plans tonight, but how does tomorrow sound?” Aaron says.

“Oh yeah!” Theo says. “It’s the first Friday of the month!” Aaron stands up, takes her hand and smiles a smile that Alexander is beginning to see is meant only for Theo.

“What happens on the first Friday of the month?” Philip asks, perplexed.

“Dad and I go out to dinner!”

“Just the two of you?” Alexander asks, and Aaron studies him.

“It’s just the two of us, yes,” Aaron says, his tone light, but his eyes like steel, and Alexander knows he has pushed too far. Whatever the case is with Theo’s other parent, Aaron quite clearly does not want to bring it up. Whoops.

Trying to pull himself out of the hole he’s just dug, Alexander says, “Okay, well, um… do you want my number? So we can coordinate?”

“Give me your phone, I’ll put my number in and you can text me.” Alexander obliges, and then the two part ways, Theo and Philip exchanging heartfelt goodbyes as if they won’t see each other for years instead of just 24 hours.

 

Alexander waits all the way until ten at night to text Aaron, which he feels is admirable restraint.

10:01 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
yo it’s alex

10:07 PM | Aaron Burr  
Good evening, Alexander.

10:07 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
of course you use proper punctuation in your texts

10:09 PM | Aaron Burr  
Of course you turned off auto-capitalization to preserve your casual image.

Alex chooses to ignore that jab.

10:10 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
are the kids still hanging out tomorrow or

10:14 PM | Aaron Burr  
Unless something has come up, then yes. What time works for you, and where? I have a dog, so if there are any allergies, my place is out.

10:16 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
either is fine with me. no allergies afoot, lol. is around 1pm good? then they can have had lunch already

10:20 PM | Aaron Burr  
Okay. Then I’ll see you at my place tomorrow at one.

Aaron sends him his address, after that, and finishes that text with “Good night.”

10:31 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
good night aaron, see you tomorrow

If Alexander falls asleep with a smile on his face, well, nobody needs to know.

 

When Alexander and Philip arrive the next morning, Alexander is once again struck by just how remarkably like Aaron Theo looks. She's just like a miniature version of him, though her expression is much less carefully guarded and a lot more excited. A very enthusiastic golden retriever bounds up to the door behind them, and Aaron firmly tells the dog to sit, and she obliges, though her tail wags wildly.

“Come on! I wanna show you my new dress-up clothes!” she says. She grabs Philip by the arm and he goes along, allowing himself to be pulled over the threshold and into the apartment. 

“Theo, say hello to Mr. Hamilton before you go,” Aaron chides gently, and Theo stops in her tracks and spins back around.

“Hi Mr. Hamilton!” she says, waves with her free hand.

“Alex is fine,” Alexander says.

“Hi Alex!” she corrects, and then looks to her father. He smiles and waves her off, and she and Philip resume their zooming away. The dog looks after them, but does not move until Aaron says, “Good girl, Lemonade. Go on.” At the word _go_ , Lemonade the dog bounds after Theo and Philip.

“Do you prefer Alex or Alexander?” Aaron says, returning his attention to Alexander as he lets him inside.

“Either; I usually tell Philip’s friends Alex because anything else is kind of a mouthful. I don’t really care either way, though.”

Aaron nods, clearly filing the information away. He has Alexander sit on the couch, and offers him a drink -- ”Tea, water, coffee?” Alexander chooses coffee and watches Aaron walk away to the kitchen. Aaron is dressed more casually than Alexander has ever seen, and yet still impeccable. He is wearing a green sweater that looks remarkably soft, and jeans. _Jeans_. He looks like some sort of model for fall clothing, like the perfect dad modeling with his perfect daughter on the cover of a back-to-school edition of a clothing catalogue.

“How do you take your coffee?”

“One cream, five sugars.”

Alexander swears he can hear Aaron roll his eyes through the wall. “So you like some coffee with your sugar?”

“Shut up. How do you drink yours?”

“Black.”

“Like your soul. Right.”

That had to be a huff of laughter, Alexander is sure of it. Aaron returns with two mugs and a glint of amusement in his eyes. He hands Alexander one of the mugs and sits down on the other end of the couch. He opens his mouth to say something, but then the kids come barreling into the living room, followed by Lemonade, carrying pillows. Theo, wearing an old-fashioned Girl Scout sash and a backwards hat, shouts “ATTACK!” upon entry. She and Lemonade and Philip, who has accessorized with a tutu and a scarf, descend upon Aaron and Alexander, who both have the good sense to quickly set their coffee aside before they reach them.

As soon as Alexander’s leg is hit with a pillow, courtesy of Theo, he crumples dramatically and falls down sideways onto the couch.

“I’ve been hit!” he wails, as Philip and Theo giggle madly and continue whacking him with the pillows. “No, I won’t make it -- Aaron, avenge me --”

And to Alexander’s immense surprise, Aaron takes one of the couch pillows and lightly bops Theo on the head with it. She gasps dramatically and flops down on the floor, and Philip looks between her and Aaron. He smacks the pillow against Aaron’s knee; Aaron dutifully crumples against the arm of the couch and Philip holds the pillow up in the air triumphantly.

“I won!”

Alexander sits up abruptly and goes “AARGH!” and pulls Philip into a hug. “Sneak attack! Gotcha!”

Philip, breathless with laughter, responds, “Dad! You’re supposed to be dead!”

“I was only playing dead, it was a trap!”

“That’s cheating!” pipes up Theo, standing up and putting her hands on her hips indignantly.

“That’s battle tactics for you,” Aaron says, ruffling her fluffy hair. She pouts for a moment, but is done with her disappointment in but a few moments.

“Philip, do you want to see my Hot Wheels collection?” Theo asks, turning her attention to Philip. He responds with an enthusiastic yes, and breaks out of Alexander’s hug. Theo leads the way back to her room, followed by Philip, explaining very seriously that the collection had used to belong to her dad, and that he had given them to her, and that they were very important to her, and so on. Alexander, who is still sprawled on the couch, glances up at Aaron. Aaron’s gaze is fixed on the hallway; he has a look of gentle fondness that seems so personal that Alexander has to look away. He glances at Lemonade, who is lying on the floor, but after a moment she gets to her feet and follows after the kids down the hall. Apparently they make better company.

“Hey, so, since I’m dead apparently, y’wanna give me mouth-to-mouth?” Alexander says, rolling onto his back to grin up at Aaron. Aaron is not even fazed. He simply raises his eyebrows at Alexander, rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

“Worth a shot,” Alexander says, and then changes the subject.

 

Alexander and Philip leave just before dinner, and Philip talks nonstop the entire way back about how much fun he had.

9:36 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
theo has a good effect on philip, he hardly ever talks so much or so excitedly, he’s ordinarily so quiet. i only just got him to go to sleep he’s been so pumped up all evening. also he loves your dog

9:40 PM | Aaron Burr  
I never would have known he was ordinarily quiet if the two of you hadn’t told me. I mean, he’s quiet around me, but Theo is quiet around other people’s parents too, on the whole, so that’s not unusual.

9:41 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
the two of us? you mean me & theo or

9:44 PM | Aaron Burr  
No, Eliza said the same thing the first time she brought Philip over.

9:44 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
oh

9:44 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
i didn’t realize you knew her

9:45 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
i guess that makes sense though lmao duh

9:46 PM | Aaron Burr  
Sorry, should I not have mentioned her?

9:47 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
no its ok i just kinda forgot you would obviously have known her lmao no worries tho it’s cool it’s cool

9:48 PM | Aaron Burr  
If you say so. Good night, Alexander.

9:49 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
night


	2. Chapter 2

On Monday, Alexander comes across Aaron as he drops by the office kitchen to get coffee. Aaron is waiting by the coffee maker, talking on his phone with his eyebrows knitted together.

“Yes… no, I’m not sure… yes, thank you… yes, I’ll be in here this afternoon, I’m available to meet any time after one and we can talk about how to proceed with your case. Okay. Thank you, Mrs. Reynolds -- okay, Maria then. I’ll see you at one-thirty.”

Alexander nearly drops his mug on the floor. Aaron slips his phone into his pocket and opens his mouth to say something, but Alexander doesn’t want to know what that something is about to be. He turns on his heel and bolts out of the room. Forget coffee. He can get that later. Right now he just needs to get out of here.

Fuck.

 

Aaron shows up in Alexander’s office a little while later, bringing with him a paper cup of coffee and a slightly concerned expression.

“I brought you this. One cream, five sugars?” Aaron says, a little tentative, holding the coffee out to Alexander. A peace offering.

Alexander tells himself he is only accepting the drink because he needs caffeine to function. He takes the cup and takes a sip of the coffee, peering over the rim of the cup at Aaron.

“Are you okay? You looked like you’d seen a ghost earlier. Was it -- did I do something?”

Alexander shakes his head. “No, I -- no, I’d just -- forgotten something, that’s all. Um. I’ve got a lot of work to do, sounded like you’ve got a busy day so I won’t keep you.”

Aaron raises his eyebrows, but doesn’t push. “Let me know if you need something.”

Alexander nods and pointedly focuses his attention on his computer screen. “Thanks for the coffee,” he says as Aaron exits. Aaron gives him a thumbs-up without turning around and disappears out the door.

Alexander puts his head down on his desk and groans. So much for that budding friendship. He’s certain that by the time Aaron’s meeting is over, so will any chance at being on good terms with Aaron.

 

The next day Alexander slinks in to make some coffee, and once again finds Aaron already there. Aaron glances up from whatever he’s typing on his phone when Alexander arrives, then glances back at his phone. He says nothing. Alexander’s heart sinks.

“Hey,” Alexander says, and Aaron glances up again, nods at him, looks back at his phone. Fuck. Well. He might as well bite the bullet. “How’s it going?”

Aaron looks at him again, gives a small sigh. “Okay.” He takes his coffee and turns to leave the room.

“Wait!” Alexander says, and Aaron stops, looks at Alexander over his shoulder, one eyebrow artfully raised.

“Yes?” Alexander realizes he doesn’t actually know what he intends to say.

“Um.”

“Alexander, if you don’t need me for anything, I have work to do.”

Alexander lets him leave, and stands there blankly for a solid two minutes before he remembers to start his own coffee.

Great.

Alexander is fidgety all day, distractible. He hears, from down the hall, Maria Reynolds’s voice as she greets Aaron.

Awesome.

 

Alexander doesn’t run into Aaron again until Friday, when Alexander is picking up Philip from school.

“Hey,” says Alexander tentatively, as he approaches Aaron. Aaron turns, eyebrows raised.

“Hello, Alexander.”

“Are you mad at me?” It sounds pitiful. It feels pitiful.

Aaron folds his arms across his chest, looks at Alexander. “Should I be?”

Before Alexander can think of a response, Theo and Philip come racing over -- literally racing. Philip yells “I won!” when he slams into Alexander’s legs with enough force to make him stumble, a second before Theo does the same to Aaron. Aaron scoops Theo up into his arms, swings her around as she giggles.

“Can Philip come over again this weekend? It was so fun!”

“I’m not sure,” says Aaron. “Alexander might want to spend time with his son by himself this weekend.”

“Aww,” chorus Theo and Philip.

“We’ll see,” Aaron says, and Alexander feels a surge of gratitude towards Theo and the puppy-dog eyes that Aaron seems physically incapable of saying no to. “Time to go, Theo. I didn’t have a chance to walk Lemonade, so she’ll be very impatient to get outside.”

“Ooh, yeah. ‘Bye, Philip! ‘Bye, Alex! See you soon, I hope!” She waves at the two of them, and they head away.

 

9:22 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
so… kids this weekend?

9:25 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
you can come to my place this time

9:40 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
y/n/m?

11:17 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
just let me know i guess??

1:39 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
good night

Alexander gets in bed and curls up, pulls the blanket over his head, wraps his arms around one of the spare pillows. He has always slept better while holding someone; a pillow is a pale substitute, but it helps him to at least have something to hold on to.

He gets little sleep, anyway.

8:35 AM | Aaron Burr  
Not this weekend. Sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is one of the shortest chapters of the whole fic so sorry about that but ! i hope you like it anyway and.... get ready for next week ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly early (it's not technically sunday yet where i am) but shhhhhh

That Monday, Alexander starts a campaign to get himself back into Aaron’s good graces. If he doesn’t run into Aaron getting coffee in the morning, he drops by Aaron’s office to bring him some. Aaron still doesn’t have much to say to him, and he usually already has coffee, but he unfailingly accepts Alexander’s peace offerings. He gives Alexander a strange look the first few times, but by Thursday he seems to have just accepted that this is simply a thing that is happening now.

By the next week, they’ve graduated to small talk.

“How was your weekend?” Alexander asks on Monday.

“Okay. Yours?” Aaron says.

“It was pretty good, Philip and I went to see a movie on Saturday so that was fun, and we went out to brunch on Sunday.”

Aaron nods. Alexander sees himself out.

 

On Tuesday:

“You’re late,” says Aaron, when Alexander arrives with his coffee looking ruffled.

“I slept through my alarm. My sleep debt caught up with me,” Alexander says sheepishly.

“You ought to sleep more regularly.”

“Yeah, well, tell that to my insomnia.”

 

Wednesday Aaron is on the phone; he waves at Alexander absently, signs _thank you_ when Alexander sets down the coffee. Alexander, beaming, thrilled by the fact that Aaron knows sign language, signs back _you’re welcome_ and leaves.

 

Thursday.

Aaron is just getting off the phone when Alexander walks in with coffee.

“Alexander,” says Aaron, and there is something in his tone that gives Alexander pause, though he can’t quite interpret what it is.

He shoots straight into defensive mode, reflexively. “What, were you talking to Maria again? I assume you know all of the torrid details of my affair by this point. I -- Aaron, haven’t you ever done something you regretted?” Aaron’s expression shuts down, closes off, and Alexander has half a second to brace for impact before he speaks. Aaron hadn’t looked mad before, Alex realizes, but now he looks furious.

His voice is cold. “Yes, but at least I didn’t ruin two marriages because of it.”

Alexander reels back. “Thanks. Thank you, Aaron, for reminding me of what a piece of shit I am, as if I don’t remember every single fucking day of my life.”

“Alex--”

“Take your fucking coffee.” He sets the drink down on Aaron’s desk with a little more force than necessary. Some of it splashes out onto his own hand, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t.

He doesn’t care.

 

The two don’t speak for a full week. Alexander’s coffee delivery service ceases; if he sees Aaron in the office kitchen, he just turns on his heel and walks away, to return in a half-hour when Aaron has left.

He’s fine, though. He’s fine.

 

Alexander can tell something is horribly wrong the moment he steps into the kitchen that Friday. Aaron is sitting at the table, staring blankly into the middle distance. His collar is maladjusted; he looks like he hasn’t slept. Actually, he looks like he’s been crying.

“Aaron? Are you all right?” The words come out of Alexander’s mouth before he can stop them.

“Hah. No.” He plasters the most forced smile Alexander has ever seen onto his face. Alexander’s eyebrows furrow.

“What happened?”

“Like you care.”

Alexander sits down next to him. Yes, okay, he’s not quite forgiven Aaron, but the state he’s in is seriously concerning.

“I do care,” Alexander says, because that much, at least, is true.

And it looks like something breaks in Aaron, because Aaron puts his head in his hands and breathes like he’s drowning. “I saw my ex at the store last night,” he says faintly.

“Oh shit,” says Alexander.

“Haha, yup! And she took one look at Theo and fucking knew because god you think Theo looks like me but you haven’t seen her next to Theodosia before, like Jesus fucking Christ, and she didn’t know before and now she does and fuck! I have been having a panic attack for like twelve hours! She was there with her husband and we saw each other and then like five minutes later she showed up in the same fucking aisle I was in and was like ‘um why didn’t you tell me’ and I was like ‘you were the one who dumped me you don’t have any rights here you’re not even on the birth certificate’ and she’s like what’s her name and Theo was like ‘Theodosia’ because like that’s her name and Theodosia as in my ex Theodosia just looked at me and I can’t, I can’t I just can’t.”

This is the most words Alexander has ever heard Aaron say at once, and the most upset Alexander has ever seen him, not to mention that it at least doubles the amount of things Alexander knows about him.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

“Please,” Aaron says, and the rawness in his voice breaks Alexander’s heart.

“Let me take you to your apartment. I’ll take care of everything.” And Aaron lets him. Alexander helps him to his feet and Aaron holds onto Alexander’s arm like a lifeline. “Get your things from your office, I’ll talk to Washington. I’ll be just a minute.”

Indeed, Alexander just walks down the hall and sticks his head into Washington’s office and says, “Yo, Aaron’s really sick, I’m taking him home and taking care of him ‘cause someone’s gotta do it.”

Washington raises his eyebrows, but says “okay,” and Alexander bolts back to Aaron. Aaron is standing in his office, still looking blank, holding his bag in one hand, his coat draped over his arm. Alexander takes his bag, helps him into his coat. They stop by Alexander’s office so Alexander can grab his things, and they leave. Aaron looks a little lost; Alex impulsively reaches out and puts his arm around Aaron’s shoulders. Aaron presses against him; he’s shaking.

It’s startling to see Aaron’s defenses so completely down.

They get to Aaron’s apartment, and are greeted by Lemonade the dog. Aaron toes off his shoes, takes off his coat and drops it unceremoniously on the floor. Lemonade sniffs it, then licks Aaron’s hand. Alexander takes off his own shoes, hangs up his coat, and Aaron’s for good measure. Aaron is still just standing there, that same blank look on his face, but once Alexander has finished those tasks, Aaron takes Alex by the arm and leads him down the hall.

“I need to change,” he says.

“Um?”

“Not with you. You stay in my room.” And so Alexander goes, and sits delicately on the edge of Aaron’s bed. Lemonade follows them into the room, lays down at Alexander’s feet, watching Aaron. Aaron fishes a shirt and sweatpants out of his dresser, leaves the room, comes back a few minutes later hunched in on himself, wearing a too-big hoodie, his hands in the front pocket, pulling down and out like he’s keeping the shirt from clinging to his chest.

Aaron collapses onto his bed, curls up small on the left side. He looks up at Alexander, motions him over, and Alexander carefully scoots over to sit beside him. Aaron tugs on his sleeve, and Alexander lays down facing Aaron.

There is a beat of silence.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron whispers. “I’m not usually like this.”

“I know you’re not. It’s okay to be, sometimes. You can talk. It’s okay. You don’t have to keep it any longer -- I’ll hold it with you, and I’ll keep it safe. I won’t tell.”

A shiver passes through Aaron, and he starts speaking, tentatively. “Theodosia was married when we started seeing each other. I’m not proud of it; to be fair, I didn’t know at first -- she took off the ring whenever we saw each other, until she forgot one time and then never bothered again -- and by the time I did know, I was in love with her and she still wanted me and I was young and stupid so it didn’t matter to me. I’d barely graduated, she was ten years older than me. I didn’t know that, either, ‘till later. God, I loved her. I thought she’d leave her husband for me, that we’d have a life together. But, hah! She dumped me once her husband stopped having to go to Georgia for business trips. He got a new job, she didn’t need a convenient fuck anymore, so she was done with me. And then --”

He stops, takes a shuddery breath, wipes at his face.

“A week later I found out I was pregnant. But, fuck, I wasn’t about to go crawling back to her. Not after that. She told me she wasn’t going to leave him for me; I didn’t want to raise a child with someone who didn’t love me. So I just -- did it myself. I quit my job, started working from home, because -- because no one knew I was trans. I can count the amount of people who know on one hand.” He holds up a hand to demonstrate, puts down a finger for each name. “Theodosia, my sister, my doctor, you know now, and Theo, probably, on some level, though I haven’t explicitly told her.

“I made it work. I made ends meet. But it was like, how do you do normal things like go to the doctor, go grocery shopping, even, when you can’t stand the thought of literally anyone looking at you? It was the worst experience of my entire life. The dysphoria was literally pretty much torture. And I did it alone. I didn’t have anyone else. Sally -- my sister -- lives hours away, has her own life, and don’t lie to me, I know you’ve thought me standoffish before. I just don’t bond with people easily.

“Sally came up about a week before Theo was born, stayed for a while to help me. She’s an elementary school teacher, and she had some summer vacation left, so she could spare the time, but she has a family of her own and she couldn’t stay longer. I kept working from home as long as I could, but I had to get a job that would support me better than the will-I-or-won’t-I-make-rent of freelance writing. By then Theo was old enough that she could go to daycare without me like, completely panicking every second and so then I started working full time and then wow, look, life was actually manageable? I mean, not going to lie, being a single parent is stressful as fuck, but Theo is the light of my life.” Aaron sighs, rubs at his eyes.

“Oh shit,” he says suddenly. “How’s Theo going to get home? I’m not in a state to --”

“Eliza,” Alexander says, interrupting him, already having thought ahead.

“But -- don’t you have Philip on weekends?”

“Just text her.”

So Aaron texts her; Alexander helps him compose the text.

11:57 AM | Aaron Burr  
Hey, Eliza, I’m really sorry to inconvenience you, but is there any way you could pick up Theo tonight, maybe she and Philip could have a sleepover? I know it’s very spur of the moment, but there’s a bit of an emergency.

12:03 PM | Eliza Schuyler  
Alexander usually has Philip for the weekend, but I can talk to him

12:04 PM | Aaron Burr  
Ok

Alexander’s phone buzzes.

12:05 PM | Eliza Schuyler  
Aaron Burr texted me wanting me to take the kids to have a sleepover tonight. I know it’s your weekend, but he seems under a lot of stress and I don’t mind having both of the kids for the night, so long as it’s okay with you.

12:08 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
if you’re sure?

12:10 PM | Eliza Schuyler  
I’m sure

12:11 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
ok let me know if you need anything/when you want me to pick up philip

12:12 PM | Eliza Schuyler  
Will do

And then Aaron’s phone:

12:14 PM | Eliza Schuyler  
It’s all good, I’ll pick up both of the kids. I can drop by your place before I get them and get her things?

12:15 PM | Aaron Burr  
Okay. Thank you so much

12:18 PM | Eliza Schuyler  
Of course. You’ve helped with Philip when I’ve needed a hand, it’s the least I can do for you. Is it okay if I come by around 2:30?

12:19 PM | Aaron Burr  
Yes. Thank you so much again

12:20 PM | Eliza Schuyler  
Anything you need. See you later

 

Seemingly exhausted from the texting conversation, Aaron is quiet for a long moment after he drops his phone onto the comforter.

“D’you need a hug?” Alexander asks softly.

Aaron looks at Alexander, his eyes wide. The vulnerability he shows to Alexander feels like a knife through his heart. Aaron gives a single, small nod, and Alexander moves closer, pulls Aaron close against him. Aaron gives a shuddery sigh and presses close, his hands clutching at the back of Alexander’s shirt.

“Where was I?” Aaron asks quietly. “Oh. Right. About to get to yesterday’s bullshit.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to --”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I cannot emphasize enough how much I don’t want to talk about it. But I -- I can’t not, I can’t keep it inside anymore, I can’t.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I’m here, I’m listening.”

“So I was at the store yesterday, with Theo, weekly grocery shopping, as you do, and I’m just minding my own business, getting some milk, when I ran into Theodosia and her husband. Her husband doesn’t know me, but Theodosia sure does, and she knew right away who Theo was, I could see it on her face. God, they look so alike.” Aaron takes a deep breath, exhales slowly.

He continues. “And so she goes off with her husband and then she shows up five minutes later, by herself, when I’m buying the goddamn cereal to go with the fucking milk, and she’s like, ‘why didn’t you tell me,’ and all I could say was, ‘you broke up with me before I knew, and you had made it explicitly clear that under absolutely no circumstances were you going to leave your husband for me, so I wasn’t about to come crawling back.’

“And then she asked what Theo’s name was and when she found out I’d named Theo after her she looked so horribly, awfully smug, I couldn’t even handle it. And I went home and Theo didn’t ask questions and so I didn’t have to get into it with her yet but I know I will someday, and then I didn’t even sleep because I was too busy panicking. And now here we are, and you probably think I’m fucking pathetic but you wouldn’t even be wrong because like, wow, I was a shit to you about having an affair when I was literally the other man for a solid two years, like my god what I said to you was pretty fucking awful and I just said it because I was stressed and upset and lashing out and fuck, just, fuck this.”

“Oh, Aaron,” Alexander says softly, holds him tightly. “I can’t imagine having to live with all of that inside you for so long.” Aaron pushes his face harder against Alexander’s shirt; Alexander can feel him crying silently. “I know this isn’t ideal, I know this isn’t how you would have wanted all this to come out, but I’m here. I want to help you. I don’t want you to have to carry this burden all alone. Even if all you want is this, right now, and then you never want to speak to me again after this, that’s fine. Anything you need. I’m here, Aaron, I’m here.”

And Aaron is crying harder and clinging to Alexander and Alexander rubs his back, runs his hand over his close-cropped hair, and holds him, holds him, holds him.

“Please don’t go,” Aaron whispers.

“I’ll be here as long as you need. I swear I will.”

And Aaron dozes off against Alexander’s chest, until Aaron’s phone goes off and startles the both of them back to reality.

2:15 PM | Eliza Schuyler  
I’m headed out now, I’ll be there in 15

2:15 PM | Aaron Burr  
Ok

“Fuck,” says Aaron. “I have to get her things together.”

He hauls himself to his feet. He moves in an almost zombielike trance to Theo’s room, picks up a bag and puts Theo’s favorite stuffed horse in it, then stops and stares at the bag like it’s something completely incomprehensible.

“Toothbrush?” Alexander suggests quietly, and he follows Aaron to the bathroom, helping him get together all the things Theo needs. Lemonade joins the hunt too, bringing her toys over to Aaron. This gets him to crack a little smile, and he throws them down the hall for her. When Eliza knocks on the door, Aaron shoos Alexander off to his bedroom and gets the door. When Aaron returns to Alexander, he gets right back in bed and presses himself back into Alexander’s arms.

“Sorry for being so clingy,” Aaron says, his voice muffled against Alexander’s shoulder.

“Perfectly justifiable. I certainly don’t mind.”

“Okay.”

Aaron falls back asleep on Alexander, and this time Alexander dozes off too. He wakes when Aaron shifts, and checks the time; it’s after seven.

“Fuck, I need food,” says Aaron, but his voice doesn’t have the same ringing hollowness it had before, or at least not as much of it.

“Okay, I can order pizza or something?”

“You do that,” Aaron says. “I feel disgusting. I need to shower.”

“Okay,” says Alexander, and the two of them get out of bed.

 

By the time Aaron gets out of the shower, Alexander is flopped on the couch, and the pizza has arrived.

“I didn’t know what kind you liked, so I got half-cheese half-pepperoni.”

“Works for me,” says Aaron. He’s wearing a different hoodie, now, a Princeton one, but either the same or very similar sweatpants. He looks cozy, and Alexander can’t help the small surge of happiness that goes through him when Aaron sits closer to him than is strictly necessary, tucking himself up against Alexander’s side as he eats. Lemonade tries to beg for some of the pizza, but upon being refused, hops up onto the couch and curls up beside Aaron, close enough for him to absentmindedly pet her head.

They turn on the TV and make fun of the ridiculous people on reality television until Aaron starts drifting off on Alexander’s shoulder, at which point Alexander helps Aaron to bed, borrowing some of Aaron’s clothes to sleep in. The two of them sleep close together, Aaron in Alexander’s arms, warm and gentle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO THAT HAPPENED
> 
> if your comment contains any variation on the phrase "how could u make theodosia do that to him" you have to write at least double the length of that statement in actual comment to make up for it. sorry i don't make the rules


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bam! pov switch.
> 
> also: enter eliza!

When Aaron wakes the next morning, Alexander is already awake; he is tracing patterns on Aaron’s arm. Actually, it kind of seems like he’s writing something. Does he ever stop?

Aaron groans and stretches. His whole body feels stiff from being so tense the previous day, and he still feels exhausted. It is the strangest morning after that Aaron has ever had.

“Hey,” says Alexander, and his sleep-hoarse voice is soft and close to Aaron.

“Hey,” says Aaron, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. He folds his arms over his chest.

“How'd you sleep?” asks Alexander. He doesn't follow Aaron to keep touching him, holding him, but he looks like he wants to.

“Like a rock.”

Alexander laughs a little. “How are you doing?”

“Better, I guess. I still feel… I dunno. Kind of out of it, and drained. I -- I’ve never told anyone everything that I told you. Not in words, anyway. It’s, uh. Kind of a lot. I guess you're the only person who knows all of it, now. Wow.”

Alexander nods. He is such an open book; Aaron can see how much he wants to pull Aaron into his arms, see that Alex is unsure of what to say for fear of upsetting him. Aaron wants to slide back under the covers, to press himself back against Alexander, but he’s not sure if it’s a good idea. It's been so long since anyone held him like that, but he doesn't want to get used to it. Alexander won't stay, he's sure of it. Things will go back to normal the moment he leaves Aaron’s apartment and that will be the end of it. They disagree too much to get along this well all the time.

He gets out of bed, carefully keeping his back to Alexander, finds real clothes to wear.

“I’m going to change. Feel free to poke around in the kitchen and find something to eat.”

“Okay,” says Alexander, and Aaron exits.

 

He stares at himself in the mirror. Time for the usual personal staring contest he has with himself before he can make himself undress. He peels off his hoodie; the t-shirt he’s wearing under it is tighter across his chest than the rest of his torso and it grates on him, on days like this, that feeling of wrongness that haunts every waking moment of his life.

He steps out of his pants instead of taking off his shirt. That’s more manageable. His legs are fine, all of that is okay. Takes off his boxers; that’s okay too, only because he can’t imagine it any other way. He takes a breath and braces himself to pull off his shirt.

It’s exhausting when the first part of your daily routine is grappling with your self-hatred.

He thumbs at the stretch marks that lace his stomach, shades lighter than the rest of his skin, as if he presses on them hard enough they might disappear, that some of the pigment from the rest of his skin might bleed into the lines.

_Okay_ , he tells himself, _pull yourself together, there’s no need to stand here staring at yourself like that’ll change anything_.

Usually that works. Usually he can talk himself out of this internal dialogue before he even falls into it, turn his back to the mirror and strip off his clothes and pull on the new outfit. Today it takes all his effort to wrench his eyes off his reflection, stop critiquing and cursing the things he can’t change, not now, maybe not ever, and continue on with his life.

After he finally drags himself out of it, he finds Alexander in the kitchen, concentrating so hard on scrambling eggs that his eyebrows have a crease between them. It’s rather charming, Aaron catches himself thinking, then pushes the thought away. Alexander glances up, and smiles when he sees Aaron.

The two of them eat breakfast together, and then Aaron gets a text from Eliza.

10:30 AM | Eliza Schuyler  
When do you want me to drop Theo off?

Aaron holds up his phone to show Alexander.

“What do you think? Are you doing well enough?” Alexander says.

“I’m not exactly at one hundred percent, but I mean… I’ll be glad to have Theo back. I miss her when she’s gone.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

Aaron shrugs. “I mean, Eliza might want you to take Philip, but… up to you. I don’t want to pressure you, or anything.” _Please stay, please stay_.

10:37 AM | Aaron Burr  
Afternoon sometime, if that’s okay?

10:39 AM | Eliza Schuyler  
Okay. Are you doing any better? I can keep her here longer if you’d like

10:41 AM | Aaron Burr  
I don’t want to trouble you, you’ve done a lot already. Whatever time you’d like to drop her off this afternoon is fine with me.

10:42 AM | Eliza Schuyler  
Aaron, be honest with me: do you need more time? I don’t know what happened, but I need you to tell me for real if you need more time to recover/process from whatever it was

10:46 AM | Aaron Burr  
I’m not at 100% but I’ll be okay enough in a couple hours. Thank you for your concern, though.

10:48 AM | Eliza Schuyler  
Okay. I’ll be over around 6. Let me know if you need anything. I’m serious. And you better not be bsing me, you need to take care of yourself

10:50 AM | Aaron Burr  
I’ll let you know, I promise. I’ll see you then.

10:51 AM | Eliza Schuyler  
Let me know if I should bring dinner or something :P

 

Aaron shakes his head, smiling a little, and sets his phone down.

“Are you and Eliza, like, friends?” Alexander asks.

“I mean, yeah, maybe? We see a lot of each other, at least,” Aaron says, studying Alexander. Alexander’s phone goes off, and he takes the opportunity to break eye contact with Aaron. Aaron reads over his shoulder.

10:54 AM | Eliza Schuyler  
I’m dropping Theo off at Aaron’s around six, I’ll probably be at your place with Philip around 6:30 or 7

10:55 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
ok see you then. everything ok?

10:57 AM | Eliza Schuyler  
Seems to be

Aaron takes Alexander’s plate to put it in the dishwasher, and remove the temptation of continuing nosiness. Alexander continues texting until Aaron goes back to him, taps him on the shoulder.

“Want to watch a movie or something? I’ll probably kick you out around 5:30, so we have time to kill,” Aaron says. A smile lights up Alexander’s face.

“Okay,” he says, and his voice is gentle. He stands, and the two go to the couch. Aaron lets Alexander sit down first; he tells himself it’s not so he can curl up close to him, but he is certainly lying to himself. Alexander slings his arm around Aaron shoulders, like it’s natural, like he’d do it with anyone, and Aaron feels tension bleed out of him. Alexander is warm, and the shirt he has borrowed from Aaron is soft, and Aaron can feel him breathing, in and out, steady and stable.

Aaron remembers that his pretense for cuddling with Alexander was to turn on a movie, so he fumbles for the remote and turns on the TV, starts scrolling through Netflix.

“The question is, do we want to watch a terrible movie to make fun of it --”

“I don’t even want to know what the other choice is,” Alexander interrupts. “The answer is always yes.”

“Okay, so, close your eyes, I’m gonna scroll through movies and when you say stop, that’s the one we’re going to watch.”

They land on _The Last Five Years_ , which is not as terrible of a movie as could have been chosen, but they tear into it anyway. A half-hour in, they’re practically shouting at the screen, telling the main character that she can do better, that she doesn’t deserve any of her husband’s bullshit, and yelling at the husband’s bullshit, possibly a little hypocritically, given their own experiences. Alexander certainly looks rather uncomfortable when the movie is almost over and they get to the “Nobody Needs to Know” bit, but Aaron pretends not to notice.

They continue watching movies until it hits 5:30, and Aaron, true to his word but regretful, reminds Alexander he has to go.

“We should continue this sometime,” Alexander says, as Aaron follows him to his room to gather his clothes. “Plus, I’ll have to get your clothes back to you sometime, won’t I?”

“You better. I happen to like that shirt.”

“I’ll text you.”

“You better.”

Alexander laughs as he puts his shoes on.

“See you Monday, Aaron.”

Aaron cracks a smile when he replies, “I’d better.”

 

Eliza shows up promptly at six o’clock, with two kids and a bag of takeout.

“I assumed you hadn’t eaten,” she says, and laughs at Aaron’s resulting sheepish look.

“Come on in, then,” and the trio enters; he scoops Theo into a hug and holds her tight. She giggles and hugs him back. “Did you have fun?” he asks her.

“Yeah! It was great! We played dress up and tag and put on a puppet show and watched a movie and Eliza made pancakes for breakfast and we had sandwiches for lunch but I’m really hungry now so we brought dinner!”

“Well, then let’s eat it,” Aaron says, ruffles her hair and leads the way to the kitchen.

The kids finish eating first, and start chasing each other around the living room. Aaron can’t fathom their boundless energy.

“How are you doing?” Eliza asks quietly, picking the peas out of her rice.

“Kind of terrible.”

“You look exhausted.”

“I feel exhausted.”

“Did -- were you able to talk to anyone about… whatever happened?”

“Yeah, I had… someone come over. They helped a lot.” He feels a twinge of awkwardness, both not quite knowing how to define his and Alexander’s relationship and the fact that it was, well, Alexander, Eliza’s ex-husband, with all that drama. She studies him, and he wonders if she knows.

She probably does. They weren’t exactly subtle.

“That’s good. Make sure you get some rest, okay? And text me if you need anything. I mean it. I’ve got to get Philip to Alexander’s, but if you need anything, please let me know. I don’t want you to have to go through things alone.”

“Thank you, Eliza. That means a lot to me.”

She stands up, and he stands up, and she pulls him into a hug. She’s just a little bit shorter than him, and small, and when she lets go of him she smiles at him. He tries a smile back, for her, and finds it comes a little easier than he expected.

“See you soon,” she says, and she and Philip leave.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a more reflective chapter

Monday at the office marks the revival of Alexander’s coffee delivery service. Aaron knows he is just using it as an excuse to see if Aaron is doing any better, but finds he doesn’t actually mind terribly that this is the case.

“Hey,” says Alexander, holding a steaming paper cup in both hands. He has a little smile on his face; a strand of hair has escaped his ponytail and he tosses his head to get it out of his eyes.

“Hey,” Aaron says, smiling back, and Alexander sets the coffee cup on Aaron’s desk.

“How’re you doing?” Alexander asks.

“Much better. Thank you,” Aaron says, and meets Alexander’s eyes directly when he says that. Alexander’s expression goes gentle, breaks into a smile as warm as sunlight.

“I’m so glad. If you need anything, I’m right here, okay? Maybe we could have lunch together today?” There is a note of hopefulness in Alexander’s voice.

“Okay. Will I need to come drag you away from your computer?”

“No, what an off-base accusation!”

 

It is actually Alexander who has to drag Aaron away from his computer.

“No, I’m almost done with this --”

“No, it’s almost one, you need to eat. C’mon, up you go.” Alexander, who has come around Aaron’s desk and has been leaning on the back of Aaron’s chair, takes Aaron by the arm and pulls him to his feet.

And so they go.

Aaron almost feels like he should be holding Alexander’s hand as they walk together, but he keeps his hands inside his coat pockets, out of propriety or shyness, or something.

“How are you feeling?” Alexander asks, like Aaron had been ill or something.

“Much improved,” Aaron says, his eyes flicking to Alexander’s face to take in his expression. Alexander looks back at him, nods. He looks like he’s studying Aaron, and Aaron breaks eye contact.

There is a little cafe down the street from their office, which is their destination. Just before they arrive, Aaron’s phone goes off, and he makes a face. Alexander tells him to go ahead and answer it, but Aaron takes one look at the caller ID and promptly drops his phone back into his pocket.

“What was that about?”

Aaron is reluctant to answer, but Alexander is staring him down. “Maria Reynolds. I’ll call her back later, she can wait an hour until I'm back in the office.”

“When does… all that take place?”

“Wednesday. I think she’s just anxious, wants to make sure she will actually be able to leave him fairly.” Aaron shoves his hands back into his pockets and shoulders open the door to the cafe, holding it open for Alexander. Alexander, he has noticed, either makes too much eye contact or none at all, and right now he is scanning Aaron’s face, like his facial expressions are written in a foreign language in which he only has basic literacy.

Aaron glances away, and when he looks back at Alexander, he is staring at the floor.

Once they’re seated, Alexander finally makes eye contact with Aaron again.

“You told me so much about yourself -- I -- I feel like it’s only fair if I tell you --”

“Alexander, you don’t have some truth-telling debt to repay.”

“I want to tell you.” He’s fidgeting with his hands, picking at his cuticles, and looks grateful when his coffee arrives so he can fidget with something else. He takes a sip, sets it down and launches into speech. “I was scared,” he says. “It’s stupid. It’s fucking bullshit, actually. Eliza is an angel, she’s always deserved better than me. I felt like… if I fucked it up, if I wrecked everything on purpose, she wouldn’t leave me over something I can’t control.” His eyebrows are drawn together. He looks pained. “I loved her, fuck, of course I did, who wouldn’t love Eliza? I just didn’t know how to do it. How to do a relationship right. Still don’t. Maybe I never did. Maybe I never will.”

“Alex --”

“No, it’s true, everyone I’ve been with I’ve royally fucked things up with.”

“Well, I've not done any better, you know.”

Alexander looks at him for a long moment. Studies him, actually. Aaron has to look away, disguise the gesture by drinking some coffee.

“It’s probably related to the fact that my mom died when I was young and my dad fucked off and all of that bullshit,” Alexander says, saying it like it’s casual, but he’s back to picking at his cuticles again.

“How introspective,” Aaron says, reaching out and gently tugging Alexander’s hand away before he can make himself bleed.

“Thanks. I’m seeing a therapist.”

“That’s good,” Aaron says.

“It’s helping a lot.”

“That’s good,” Aaron says again.

“Not to be presumptuous, but --”

“But you’re about to be presumptuous and ask if I am? I thought it was pretty clear from the events of this weekend that I have been doing a profoundly terrible job of addressing any of my problems, so the answer would be pretty obviously no.”

“I think I just got lawyered.”

Aaron laughs, and the tension finally bleeds out of their conversation.

 

Aaron gets there early to pick up Theo that afternoon. Eliza is sitting on a bench, playing a game on her phone, and Aaron sits down next to her. She looks up at him, a smug little smile playing around her eyes.

“How are things with Alexander?”

Aaron stares at her. “I -- what -- Eliza, it’s not -- it’s not like that --”

Eliza is laughing. She elbows Aaron in the ribs. “I saw you two when I was getting lunch earlier today, and also, come on, it was obviously Alexander who was there with you this weekend, that wasn’t even a little sneaky. You know perfectly well he has Philip on weekends. Neither of you are any sort of subtle.”

“We’re not -- it’s not --”

She still looks amused. “I’m teasing, Aaron. But you don’t have to pretend, you know. I won’t be mad.”

“We’re not dating!”

“I believe you,” she says. “I just don’t want you to be sneaking around pretending like you don’t care for him or talk to him outside of work because you’ll think I’ll be upset.”

“Stop being so -- _correct_ and _nice_ all the time, who gave you the right?”

“I could be mean, if you prefer.” She pulls a grimace and holds up claw-hands at him, and he can’t help but laugh.

“I’m terrified.”

“You should be!”

They’re both laughing when Philip and Theo come outside.

 

Aaron takes Maria to get lunch after their victorious day in court. He kindly pretends not to notice how her mascara is smudged, and they carefully talk about anything other than the men in her life. She tells him, almost dreamily, about the stray cat she found outside the apartment that she’s staying at with a friend, about how she’s looking for a new place she can afford to be on her own and where she can take the cat, who she has named Cirrus, for her gray-and-white fur.

She already looks better than the first time Aaron had met her, with no more bruises and some more color in her cheeks. She has a job now, and she’s going to be able to start over on her own, and Aaron is overwhelmingly proud that he’s been able to help her find a new start. She deserves it -- she’s so young, so full of life, and he can see her hesitantly trying to find a place to grow.

She says she’ll keep in touch; Aaron tells her not to feel obligated, that she never has to talk to him again if she doesn’t want to, but she solemnly tells him that he’s the first person who ever listened to her about the things that were happening, who took her seriously and didn’t try to use the situation to their advantage.

He prays silently that she can find a support system now, and resolves to find some resources for her.

 

Later that afternoon, Alexander shows up in Aaron’s office, carefully asks how his day has gone.

“Very well, thanks,” says Aaron. Hesitant.

“I’m glad you were able to help her,” Alexander says. “God knows I didn’t do anything helpful. She deserves far better.” He pauses. “So does Eliza.” He sighs, twirls a strand of hair around his finger.

Aaron doesn’t know what to say to that, so he is quiet, just waits for Alex to speak again.

“The world needs more people like you,” Alex says, eventually. “People that think before they act,” he adds, wryly, with a little smile, and Aaron tries to laugh a little with him. He can’t get Maria out of his head though, the hesitant smile, the way she’s only just trying to find a space in the world.

Aaron can’t understand Alexander’s motives for doing what he did, will never be able to understand how his reaction to a woman in need was to rope her into an even worse situation. Is that hypocritical? It must be, surely -- but he pauses, thinking in numbers for a moment, comparing.

It’s a jarring realization -- Aaron had been in a relationship with a woman ten years older than him; Alex had been the older one with Maria, the one in the position of power, the one who didn’t help when Maria needed him, only took what he wanted. The realization that he had more in common with Maria than Alexander, that if someone had been there to listen to him and take his needs seriously that maybe his relationship with Theodosia wouldn't have ended up in such emotional distress. Or maybe it would have, still, but at least maybe it wouldn't have taken him about six years to realize this, taken him this long to finally understand that being hurt wasn't his fault.

He carefully shuts down his computer and packs his things, very aware of the way his hands are shaking, but not feeling his anxiety spike out of control. He wishes, with a sort of ache in his chest, that he had someone other than Alexander that he felt able to talk about his feelings to. He thinks about Eliza, thinks about how she would probably understand, but he worries about pushing the boundaries of their tentative friendship. He knows she would listen, knows logically that it would probably bring them closer. In the elevator, he pulls out his phone and taps on their conversation, but he can't make himself type out a message. He wouldn't know where to start.

He sighs and puts his phone back in his pocket, and as he leaves the building, he finds himself wondering if Alex has really learned from his mistakes.

He hopes desperately that he has.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay!! life has been super super busy lately augh and i honestly completely forgot yesterday  
> status update, i currently have almost 12 total chapters written, there will almost definitely be at least 15 total because to be honest i'm not even sure what the ending is going to look like. i don't have a lot of time to write in the forseeable future (i'm a college student and it's the second half of spring semester -- i am _so busy_ ) and i'm hoping i'll be able to finish the whole fic before i catch up posting what's written. so that's what's up! <3 thank you as always for reading and leaving feedback, it means the world to me, it really does.

8:55 PM | Aaron Burr  
Lafayette just texted me and invited me out for drinks after work Thursday and I am entirely certain this is your doing.

8:56 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
lies and slander

8:56 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
are you gonna go?

8:58 PM | Aaron Burr  
I’m not sure. I can’t leave Theo by herself, and I don’t really have anyone else to look after her. I don’t want to impose upon Eliza again.

8:59 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
i mean babysitters exist

9:03 PM | Aaron Burr  
I realize this, it’s just that I still don’t really know anyone in the area very well. Also, I don’t really drink.

9:04 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
you don’t have to drink if you go

9:06 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
lmao are you even legally allowed to drink you’re so uptight

9:08 PM | Aaron Burr  
I’m 28 and as far as I’m aware there’s no legal restriction on personality traits when it comes to alcohol??

9:09 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
dude you’re younger than me? i mean like only by a year but still wtf

9:12 PM | Aaron Burr  
I went to college at 16. Theo was born when I was 23

9:13 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
shit dude that’s impressive tho

9:15 PM | Aaron Burr  
The college thing or the having a child at 23 thing?

9:18 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
lmaoo i meant the college thing but i mean i guess both?? i’d just barely turned 25 when philip was born so

9:22 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
ANYWAY i digress are u gonna come?? it’s a lot of fun laf is cool and his bfs are gonna be there and tjeffs might be there like he’s a prick but yknow he’s lafs friend and idk who else?? jmads? sometimes washington comes and angelica used to go but she hates me now so she doesn’t usually anymore and yeah idk just whoever’s around really

9:25 PM | Aaron Burr  
That sounds like a lot.

9:26 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
i’ll be there the whole time so if you do decide to go you can just hang out with me and it’ll be chill

9:28 PM | Aaron Burr  
I’ll think about it. Good night, Alexander.

9:30 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
night :D

 

Aaron’s neighbors are a young couple -- actually, probably not much younger than he is, now that he thinks about it -- and they’ve offered babysitting services in passing before, but Aaron has never taken them up on it. He is familiar with them; they have two young kids of their own, and they’ve always been kind to him.

He’s not sure why he’s caving now -- (he knows exactly why he’s caving now, he wants to see Alexander’s eyes glittering in the dim light and his soft dark hair and his strong hands waving through the air) -- but he knocks on the door and one of them answers the door, introduces themself and looks genuinely excited when Aaron inquires whether they would be available to look after Theo Thursday night.

“I’ll be here, I have that night off. The kids will be here, of course -- how old is Theo?”

“She’s five.”

“Oh, okay. They’re three and four, so I’m sure that will be fine.”

And so that gets figured out and on Thursday, Aaron has no excuse not to go. He delivers Theo next door, and she is beyond excited to play with new people, throwing a cursory “Later, Dad!” over her shoulder as the elder of the two kids gently takes her by the hand and leads her off to go find their cat.

“I’ll be back later this evening.”

“Go have, fun, quit fussing. You deserve a night out. I have your number, I’ll text you if I need anything.”

Aaron thanks them, and they wave him off. Aaron finds himself smiling as he leaves the building, and ends up walking straight into Alexander, who was about to walk inside.

“Hey, I was -- uh -- gonna pick you up, but you’re here now, so hi!”

“What would you have done if I had already left?”

“Um. Texted you, probably?”

Aaron rolls his eyes, but leans over and bumps shoulders with Alexander. “Let’s go, then, you dork.”

The surprised smile on Alexander’s face makes Aaron realize just how flirtatious that was, and Aaron shoves his hands into his pockets and looks down at the ground, suddenly hot with embarrassment.

Lafayette is already there, with two men he introduces as John and Hercules, his boyfriends. Hercules is a tailor, John a veterinarian, and apparently the three of them and Alexander go “way back.” Aaron doesn’t inquire further, suddenly feeling rather daunted by spending his evening in a loud environment with a bunch of people he doesn’t know very well.

Alexander notices his lapse into silence, and leans against him a little. The pressure and warmth of Alexander’s body against him is reassuring, and Aaron feels like he can breathe a little better when Alexander reels him back into the conversation, which is currently a heated debate over whether to order mozzarella breadsticks with or without pepperoni.

“Couldn’t you just order both?” Aaron says. “Like, one of each?”

“Don’t tell them that, that’ll defeat the whole purpose of their argument,” Alexander says. Aaron snorts and rolls his eyes. “Have you eaten? We could get food.”

“We could be blasphemous and get breadsticks without cheese on them.”

“Now why would you ever do that?” Lafayette says, overhearing.

“Oh god, now you’ve done it. Now you’re gonna start the cheese discourse.”

Aaron is not sure that he has ever welcomed the presence of Thomas Jefferson more than when he arrives immediately thereafter. He slides into the seat next to Lafayette and says, “What’d I miss?”

Alexander rolls his eyes, and Aaron stops paying attention to the ensuing squabbling. He fishes his phone out of his pocket, but he has no notifications. He absently scrolls through Facebook until Alexander nudges him.

“You never answered, d’you want anything?” Aaron shrugs, and Alexander studies him. “We’ll get breadsticks, then.”

He stays pressed close to Aaron, and Thomas squints at them.

“Y’all look cuddly over there.”

Aaron smiles placidly, figuring it best not to engage, but he feels Alexander tense and internally goes _oh, fuck_.

Lafayette catches Aaron’s eye for a moment, and he must see something in Aaron’s expression, because before Alexander can say a word, Lafayette leans against Thomas, drapes his arms over his shoulders.

“We should all be cuddling, it’s getting cold outside.” Thomas rolls his eyes and shoves Lafayette away. “Where is James? I thought he would be here.”

“He’s under the weather.” There is an unsaid _again_ in Thomas’s tone, and Aaron gives a vague murmur of sympathy along with some of the others, and then decides he doesn’t care enough to pay attention to anything else Thomas says, so he turns back to Alexander.

“You doing okay?” Alexander asks.

“I think so,” Aaron says, and he doesn’t even think he’s lying too much. Alexander smiles, and it is in this moment that Aaron notices that Alexander has gently but pointedly rested his hand between the two of them, in the exact way one does when they want to hold hands but doesn’t want to push it.

Aaron and Alexander both glance up when the drinks and breadsticks are delivered, and Aaron uses the opportunity to place his hand, faux-casually, right next to Alexander’s, their fingers just barely touching.

He wonders how they went from cuddling in his apartment to cautiously, nervously, almost-holding-hands. He feels like it’s a little backwards, but then again, Aaron’s not sure he knows how to do a relationship in a normal order.

Alexander rests his hand on top of Aaron’s and they both pretend not to notice, Alexander talking animatedly to John and Hercules and Aaron quietly observing, listening.

They leave before ten, as Aaron is anxious to get Theo home and in bed, and Alexander walks him home. Aaron, in a habitual reaction to the cold, puts his hands in his pockets the moment he steps outside, but after a few moments he notices that Alexander is doing the thing where he is keeping his hand conspicuously at his side, right where Aaron could reach it.

Aaron takes his hand as they approach the door to his building, and Alexander’s eyes go wide and the smile that blossoms on his face warms Aaron, despite the late November temperatures.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Aaron says.

“See you,” Alexander says, and squeezes Aaron’s hand before he lets go. Aaron smiles, and goes inside.

He picks up a sleepy Theo, helps her get ready for bed and tucks her in, and gets in bed. There is a text waiting for him.

10:04 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
i had a great time tonight, it was so nice to have you there. i hope we can do this again sometime

10:05 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
i hope theo had a good night too and that you both sleep well.

10:44 PM | Aaron Burr  
That would be nice. Good night, Alexander.

10:45 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
good night aaron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also feat. a cameo by my ocs lmfao? they're unnamed side characters but


	7. Chapter 7

As the weeks pass, the two continue to see more and more of each other. There is nothing that could really be explicitly classified as a date, but Theo has spent a few more evenings with her newfound friends. She is particularly enamored with their cat; Aaron is concerned that she may start petitioning for one of her own soon.

The neighbors gently tease him about how he seems to be overcoming his stuffiness -- Aaron responds with, “If you think I’m stuffy now, you should’ve seen me about six years ago.” Though Aaron is the only one who really gets his own joke, he feels an odd, quiet sort of pride that he is finally at a place where he can joke about it.

On one such afternoon before one such evening, Aaron is waiting with Eliza for the kids to get out of school. He sees his neighbors leaving with their preschool-aged kids. Aaron waves; they wave back, and Theo and Philip appear outside just in time to catch them before they head out. Theo lights up with excitement when she sees them.

“Dad, can I go say hi? Please? I want Philip to meet them!”

It is clear the neighbor kids are having a similar conversation with their parents, so it comes to pass that Theo very formally introduces the neighbor family to Philip and Eliza. Eliza looks amused, and shakes both the parents’ and the kids’ hands when Theo impatiently instructs her to do so.

The four kids beg permission to play on the swingset, and so they take their party in that direction.

“So,” Eliza says to Aaron, quietly enough that he is the only one able to hear, “any particular reason you’ve chosen now to break out of your shell and finally meet the neighbors?”

Aaron gives her the most exasperated look he can muster. She laughs.

“Have you had a real date yet?”

Aaron makes a noise halfway between a choked sound and a scoff. Eliza raises her eyebrows at him.

“Is that a no?”

“It is most definitely a no, thank you, Eliza.”

“I’m only teasing,” she says, gently nudging him with her shoulder.

“It doesn’t… bother you?”

“Look, I’m not married to him anymore. I’m moving on with my life. It’s not worth it to me to waste my time pining over him. What he chooses to do, what you choose to do -- that’s none of my business. If you do take that path, though, I hope for your sake that things go better than they did for me.”

Aaron goes quiet, and then their attention is captured abruptly by a shout from Philip. They turn to watch with wide eyes as Philip jumps off the swing, as he lands unsteadily, stumbles and falls. Eliza rushes over, but Philip hops back to his feet a moment later, beaming.

“That was awesome!” he proclaims, despite the fact that his knees are scraped and he has woodchips clinging to his clothes.

Eliza gathers him to her. “Fun as it may have been, that was a very dangerous thing to do. You scraped your knees, but you could have gotten hurt a lot worse than that. I think it’s time for us to go home and get those scrapes taken care of.”

“But _Mama_! I’m having fun!”

“You won’t be if those cuts get infected.”

Philip pouts, but goes obligingly enough. Aaron and his neighbors take their leave soon after.

 

7:45 PM | Aaron Burr  
Theo has had a long day and plans to go to bed early (within the hour, I suspect), and I don’t intend to leave her alone or ask the neighbors to come here and keep an eye on her. I’m very sorry, but I won’t be able to go out tonight.

7:46 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
that’s totally ok! we can go another night don’t even worry about it

7:50 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
and like

7:51 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
idk if this is overstepping and if it is you can tell me so but if you still wanted to hang out tonight i could come over

7:55 PM | Aaron Burr  
I wouldn’t want to take you away from your friends.

7:56 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
you’re my friend too, y’know

7:57 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
but no pressure for real if you just want it to be you two i totally 1000% understand

7:59 PM | Aaron Burr  
If you’re sure, I wouldn’t mind. I’d prefer if you’d wait until Theo is in bed.

8:00 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
ok!! just let me know!

 

8:45 PM | Aaron Burr  
If you’d like to head over, now would be the time.

8:45 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
be there soon!

 

Aaron spent the quarter of an hour prior to texting Alexander debating what to wear. Should he wear a binder? He’s been wearing one for nearly twelve hours at this point, which is really bad, and Alexander has already seen him without, so probably not? Should he wear jeans? Sweatpants? Pajama pants? What of a shirt?

He comes to his senses a few minutes after he texts Alexander, throws on a pair of jeans and a sweater and flops onto the couch to wait.

There is a gentle tap on the door moments later; Alexander is standing there, in battered jeans and an open zip-up hoodie over a red shirt. He looks cold. His hands are in his pockets and he has a sheepish little smile on his face. His hair is down, he’s wearing his glasses, and Aaron was not prepared for the charm that this casual nighttime Alexander has.

“Hey,” says Alexander, that overwhelmingly earnest smile on his face.

“Hey,” says Aaron, his voice coming out softer and warmer than he had really meant for it to, and he moves aside and holds the door open for Alexander to come in.

They sit on the couch, and there are a few minutes of stilted conversation -- which is, honestly, Aaron’s fault, as he feels downright _shy_ having this man in his home after what happened last time they were here together with any semblance of privacy -- and then they tacitly seem to agree to dispose of the awkwardness. Alexander, radiant as always, goes off on a passionate explanation of just what, exactly, Thomas Jefferson had done to incite his rage today.

“-- And then, and this is where it turns into _real_ bullshit, he goes, ‘do you really want to talk to me about affairs, Alexander?’ As if what he did was somehow less awful. God. Fuck him, honestly.”

“Somehow,” Aaron says, a little distantly, paying too much attention to the strands of hair that have escaped from behind Alexander’s ear, “I’m not sure if I’m in the mood to talk about Thomas Jefferson’s personal affairs at the moment.”

“Oh,” says Alexander, and then “ _oh_ ,” and then, “well, what are you in the mood to talk about?”

And Aaron could -- he could lean in and close the distance between them right now, the air between them feels heavy and Aaron feels warm and his heart is pounding and he _could_ , he knows he could --

But he waits too long and the feeling fades and Aaron looks away and Alexander looks away and it is tangibly awkward.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron blurts out. “I’m sorry, I’m just kind of a mess and I’m not sure if either of us are really in a place to do this and --”

“Aaron --”

“I’m sorry --”

“It’s okay --”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, it is! Hey, hey, look at me, it really is okay. I don’t want you to feel pressured, or uncomfortable. You don’t need any more of that in your life. If we do anything, at all, ever, I want it to be because you want to. Not because you think I want you to. I’m happy with whatever you’re willing to give me. If it’s this, hanging out sometimes when we can, that’s great! I love doing this. If you want to go back to being just coworkers, just say the word and I will back off. If you want to try dating, try having a relationship -- know that I would absolutely be interested.”

Aaron is quiet, and Alexander looks at him.

“You did notice I’ve been flirting with you, right?” Alexander asks, suddenly looking concerned.

“I think I would have to have lost all my powers of observation not to have noticed. Eliza noticed and she’s only seen us together approximately two times. I just -- wasn’t sure if you were serious, and then wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, and now I -- now I just don’t know.”

“It’s okay not to know,” Alexander says softly. “You’ve spent a long time alone.”

“I don’t want to jump into bed with the first person I spill my guts to. See where that got me last time. I don’t want to do this for the wrong reasons. I’m not going to date you on the mere condition that I’m lonely and you’re lonely. I care about you. I care about myself. I care about Theo, and Philip, and the awkward situation that would put everyone in if things went badly. Theo’s needs come above mine, always, and I will not put her in an uncomfortable situation if that can be helped.”

Alexander nods. “I understand,” he says. He pauses, gives a little sigh. “You’re a much better father than me.”

“We are not competing for the title of most esteemed father. I am telling you where my priorities lie, because if we intend to pursue a relationship, I would like to do it as responsible adults and communicate openly.”

“You didn’t deny it.” Alexander is picking at the skin at his cuticles. Aaron swats his hand away before he can make himself bleed.

“It’s not a competition, Alexander. I know you love Philip, I know he means the world to you just as Theo does to me. You do what you can. I do what I can. We have had vastly different experiences in our lives, and that has led us to where we are today. We do the best with what we’ve got. I grew up without parents, I’m trying to be what I always wished I had --”

“I’m an orphan too,” says Alexander. “But I’m not very good at this --”

“I think you are --”

“Okay, I cheated on my wife and she divorced me more than justifiably and that’s a pretty fucking terrible thing to do, as a father. As a human being. I think there just must be some part of you that’s better suited to parenthood than me.”

Aaron tenses; Alexander doesn’t seem to notice for several moments, looking at Aaron as if waiting for a response, and then he goes, “oh fuck, Aaron, no, I didn’t mean -- that wasn't -- I didn't mean it like that at all -- shit, Aaron, I’m sorry --”

“It’s fine. It’s fine. I’m sorry. It’s just -- yeah. I’m not -- biologically predisposed to any of that just because of -- because of _anything_.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, it’s me who should be sorry. I’m the one who didn’t think about how my words could have been taken.”

“Let’s stop apologizing at each other and talk about something else. Please?”

Alexander reaches out to touch Aaron’s shoulder lightly, and it is only then that Aaron realizes he has hunched in on himself, his arms folded over his stomach. He winces -- it’s not exactly a comfortable pose -- and uncurls himself, twists so he can crack his back.

“Jesus, Aaron, are you that tense all the time?”

“Did it sound that bad?”

“Yes. D’you want me to help with that? I’ve heard I can give a decent back massage.”

“Whose judgment should I be trusting?”

“Eliza’s?”

“Okay. I trust her.”

“And not me?” Alexander pouts, and Aaron just gives him a little smile. Alexander turns so he’s sitting cross-legged on the couch with his back against the armrest, and waves Aaron over. Aaron carefully scoots over to sit in front of Alexander, who presses his thumbs down exactly where the tension is held in Aaron’s shoulders. Aaron hisses an exhale through his teeth.

“That okay?”

“Yeah, you’re good.”

An indistinct amount of time later, Aaron is lying sleepily on the couch, beneath Alexander, feeling more relaxed than he’s felt in a long time. Alexander is still working on knots in his lower back; it feels so nice that Aaron can’t even bring himself to care about how vulnerable he is under Alexander’s hands, here and now.

But Alexander moves away eventually, shaking out his hands, and Aaron rolls onto his back to look up at him.

“That was nice,” Aaron says. His eyelids are heavy; he’s so tired. Alexander laughs his delighted laugh and sits back, landing on Aaron’s shins.

“You’re nice. I should get going, so you can get some sleep.”

Aaron reaches for Alexander’s hand.

“Stay.”

Alexander’s expression is almost comically owlish.

“I’m not asking you to sleep with me, I’m just asking you to, uh, sleep? With me.”

Alexander laughs -- _thank god_ \-- and gets to his feet, holds out a hand to help Aaron up.


	8. Chapter 8

Aaron wakes up, the next morning, to Alexander’s alarm and Alexander’s arm around him. Aaron shoves his face more deeply into the pillow, not wanting to move.

“What time’s it?”

“5:45.”

“Fuck you. Turn off your alarm and do not move or disturb me until at least seven o’clock.”

He feels Alexander laugh, and Aaron presses back, closer to him, and falls back asleep, warm and held close.

When he wakes again, he is alone in the bed, and he is more disappointed than he would like to admit. He goes to the bathroom, makes himself relatively presentable, and goes out to find Alexander and Theo sitting at the kitchen table, talking animatedly over bowls of cereal.

Something inside Aaron relaxes, and he joins them.

“Why didn’t you wake me? It’s nearly eight.”

“Alex said you were sleepy and that you just grumbled at him when he tried to wake you up so he left you alone. Did you have a fun sleepover? Did you have pillow fights and jump on the bed like me and Philip do?”

Aaron ruffles her hair. “You’re not supposed to be jumping on the bed, T.”

“Oops,” Theo says, and covers her mouth, looks at Aaron with wide eyes. She dissolves into giggles a few moments later, and Aaron just sighs and tries not to smile. Alexander catches his eye, gives him a little smile, and Aaron has to look away and pour himself some cereal.

“Dad, what’cha so smiley about?”

So much for that plan. “I’m just happy to be spending the morning with you.”

Theo giggles. “You spend every morning with me!”

“I know. I’m very lucky.” Aaron leans over and kisses the top of her head. He glances at the clock. “Unfortunately, if we don’t hurry up and finish with breakfast, someone’s going to be late for school.”

“Oh no!” says Theo, in genuine distress, and finishes the last few bites of her now-soggy cereal before she scampers to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When Aaron looks back at Alexander, Alexander is watching him with a soft smile.

“What?” Aaron asks, a little defensive.

“You’re so happy when you’re around her. Your face goes all gentle.”

“She’s the light of my life,” Aaron says simply, and Alexander beams at him.

“See, that’s it! That’s the face! It’s the sweetest thing I have ever seen.”

“Doubtful.”

“It’s very high-ranking, at the very least.”

“You’re a dork.”

Alexander laughs, that sound like sunshine, and when Alexander looks at his face he goes quiet, goes a little pink around the ears, and Aaron wonders just how clearly he had worn his thoughts on his face.

He is saved by Theo coming out, properly ready for school, backpack properly on both shoulders. “Let’s go!” she says. “Is Alex walking with us?”

“I don’t see why not,” says Aaron, and Alexander smiles at him.

* * *

The winter holidays approach quickly, after that. Aaron suffers through a meeting at the beginning of December, where Thomas Jefferson goes on and on and on about something Aaron isn’t sure he entirely understands and is very sure he doesn’t care that much about. He doodles absently on his notebook as Thomas speaks, and when the meeting is finally over, he breaks out of his reverie and finds himself walking out of the room with James Madison and Alexander.

“What are you doing for the holidays?” James asks, trying to be conversational, likely mostly for Aaron’s sake; it’s no secret that he and Alexander dislike each other.

“It’ll most likely just be me and my daughter. My sister is not close enough for us to spend many holidays together,” Aaron says. “What about you?”

“I’ll be spending time with my family. I’m quite excited.” They reach his office, and James gives them a little wave before turning and leaving them.

“What are you doing for the holidays?” Aaron asks Alexander lightly.

Alexander shrugs, trying to play it off. “Philip and Eliza are spending it with Eliza’s family. I’ve never really done the Christmas thing, anyway, except for when she and I were together. Not a priority, y’know? My mom was Jewish, so like, when I was a kid, we didn’t really -- yeah. So, uh, I guess the short answer is, nothing really.”

“Oh,” says Aaron, and Alexander looks uncomfortable.

Aaron opens his mouth to reply, to soothe his discomfort, but then the phone in Alexander’s office rings and he takes off to go answer it, looking grateful for the distraction.

 

“Philip gets to go all the way upstate for Christmas, he was telling me earlier, isn’t that cool?”

“That does sound like a lot of fun.”

“What’re we doing?”

“Having a party of our own,” Aaron says.

“Oh! Who’s coming?”

“You, and me, and I was thinking of inviting Alexander over, if that’s okay with you.”

“Alex? Like Philip’s dad?” Aaron nods, and Theo looks thoughtful. “Why doesn’t he go with Philip?”

“Alexander and Eliza don’t live together, as you know. They don’t get along very well, they -- weren’t in a happy relationship together, and split up when Philip was younger.”

“So, kinda like me, but he gets to see Eliza during the week and Alex on weekends.” Her eyes flick up to Aaron’s face, and he nods. Braces himself for the question he knows comes next. She’s five-almost-six and brilliant and curious and of course she wonders, of course she knows she’s one of the only kids with only one parent in their life. And sure as anything, her next sentence is: “Do I have a different parent, somewhere?” It’s not notably wistful -- though it is a little -- but she looks right at Aaron when she asks. Demanding an answer.

“Yes,” says Aaron. “Her name is Theodosia, too.”

“What happened?”

“We weren’t in a happy relationship, either. She was in love with someone else. I loved her so much, but she wasn’t happy with me. She left before either of us knew that you… were going to happen.”

Theo nods, absorbing this. “Do I look like her?” she asks.

“So much. If -- if you want, we can clear off the table and I can show you some pictures.”

Theo nods again. “I would like that.”

So they do that, and then Aaron digs through the albums on his phone, six years back in his backup files, shoved into a folder so he won’t come across them by accident. He scans through quickly, before Theo leans over his shoulder, to make sure they are all appropriate for her eyes, and once they are approved, he sits on the couch and she curls up beside him, tucking her feet in front of her, wrapping her arms around her knees, leaning in with interest.

The first picture he shows her is one of them on the couch together, beaming at the camera. Theodosia’s hair is in long braids; she’s wearing dark lipstick and a dark red dress and Aaron looks quiet and small beside her, him with a thin smile and her alight with laughter; his round face and big dark eyes next to her sharp angles and brilliant smile. Aaron had forgotten how young he looked, back then. How young he _was_. A mutual friend of theirs had taken the picture; it’s from before they ever even really were a thing, when they’d only recently met, when Aaron kept casting shy glances at her when he thought she wouldn’t notice.

It had turned out she noticed, that he was nowhere near as subtle as he thought, and one night she had kissed him, slow and deep and warm. Aaron had felt like he could melt into the floor, he was so happy, and he had let her take him to bed.

That had been the first time, and nowhere near the last.

“I love her hair,” says Theo, and, “Her nose looks like mine.” Aaron nods, and she says, “Can I see another?”

“I have lots, you can see as many as you’d like.”

He flips to the next one. It’s in the same company as the first, but several months later -- after they’d kissed, after their first time, and second and third and…

They are standing together, Theodosia holding a glass of champagne in one hand, her other arm around Aaron, who is pressed close to her, still too young to legally drink.

“You smile like that at me,” says Theo. “And also at Alex.”

“Alex?”

“Yeah! When he was here for breakfast? You had that same look on your face, like you were really happy, like so happy you couldn’t really believe it was happening.”

“Oh,” says Aaron, and Theo looks at him incredulously.

“You didn’t _notice_?” And then she laughs at the look on Aaron’s face. “ _Dad_. Do you have a crush on Alex?”

“What do you know about crushes?” Aaron says, half-jokingly defensive, and Theo, bless her, just laughs harder.

“I know they make you all silly-faced like that! If you looked at -- my mom, I guess? -- like that, and parents are _supposed_ to have crushes on each other, at least at some point, right? -- and then you look at Alex like that, you probably like him!”

It is damnable evidence. Aaron hugs Theo, sets his phone aside.

“Would that bother you?” Aaron says.

“No, I like Alex! He’s silly. And he plays games with me and Philip. And he does funny voices when he’s playing with the dolls or the stuffed animals with us. And he makes you smile. And -- would that make me and Philip related?” This last makes Theo’s eyes light up.

Aaron laughs, and Theo tucks her head against the side of his neck, her fluffy hair tickling his cheek. “Not unless Alexander and I got married, which would be quite a long way off, if that ever happened. And of course we would make sure it would be the best thing for you and Philip, too. But we are not there yet, not anywhere near there yet.”

Theo takes one of his hands in both of her small ones. “Well, I think that if he makes you smile like she did, and you loved her enough to have me, then that is probably a good thing and you should get to have people who make you smile so much that your eyes go all soft.”

And that, there, is as much sense as Aaron thinks anything has ever made. He pulls her into his lap and hugs her tight; she hugs him back just as hard.

“I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, my dear Theodosia.”

She giggles and sloppily kisses his cheek, and then sits up. “Oh!” she says, with the air of something important. “And to answer your question, I think it would be awesome if Alex spent the holiday with us!”

Her mischievous smile nearly drowns Aaron in a tidal wave of love, so dear is she to him. He kisses her nose in response, and then scoops her up in his arms and stands up, pretending to stagger. She is small yet, though, and Aaron has worked hard to get his body to look anything near what it did when he was twenty, so he has no trouble swinging a hysterically-laughing Theo around in a circle before he totes her off down the hallway and plops her down on her bed, as she continues to giggle. He drops a blanket on her and she pulls it over her head.

“Oh no, where’d my Theo go?”

“No Theos here! I’m a rock!” says the pink-striped lump on Theo’s bed.

“Oh, a rock, huh? Well, I happen to know for an absolute fact that rocks aren’t ticklish, so I hope this rock isn’t, or else I’ll know it’s an imposter.”

Theo pokes her head out of the blanket, still breathless with laughter, even before he can poke at her toes.

“Nooo! It’s me, really! I was just pretending!”

Aaron laughs and sits down at the edge of her bed. She sits up on her knees so that she matches him in height and drapes her arms around his shoulders.

“You’re the best, Dad. I’m glad I’ve got you.”

“I’m so glad I’ve got you, too,” Aaron says, resting his hand on top of where hers are linked, resting on his sternum. He closes his eyes, committing this moment to memory, wanting to save it for always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as a note -- it's not impossible that within the next month or so this fic might go on a temporary hiatus. i 100% promise that it will not be abandoned (it's gonna be finished if it's the last thing i do, gosh darn it [shakes fist]) but, it's possible that it might be on pause for a while. i'll try really hard for that not to happen, because i don't want that any more than you do, but just being upfront about it being possible.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes. anxiety.

Aaron texts Alexander, that night, once he is in bed and Theo is asleep. He realizes his hands are shaking.

9:35 PM | Aaron Burr  
I told her

9:36 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
?

9:36 PM | Aaron Burr  
Theo. About theodosia

9:36 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
OH

9:37 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
dude are you okay what do you need

9:38 PM | Aaron Burr  
I don't know

9:39 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
do you want me there?

9:40 PM | Aaron Burr  
Yes

Needing to be steady for Theo had kept him calm, kept him together; now that she is asleep and he is no longer holding himself together for her, he can't stop _remembering_ , he feels anxiety tightening in his chest and he feels like he's barely holding on to himself.

9:42 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
on my way. be there in like 10 mins. hang on for me okay? i've got you. it’s gonna be okay.

Aaron pries himself out from under the covers just in time to meet Alexander as he arrives. Alexander doesn't hesitate to pull Aaron in, hug him tightly, and Aaron presses his face against the side of Alexander’s neck, his hands clutching at the fabric of Alexander’s shirt.

“I’m here,” Alex says. “I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Can we get in bed?”

“Of course. Let me get my shoes off.”

He steps back from Aaron and it is only then Aaron realizes that he is standing in front of another human being wearing boxers and a loose t-shirt and nothing else, not even a bra, not even _socks_ , for the first time since --

Aaron crosses his arms over his chest. His heart is pounding. Alexander doesn’t seem to notice, hopping on one foot then the other to pull off his shoes. He looks up at Aaron, smiling sheepishly until he processes Aaron’s expression, his smile fading into concern.

“C’mon,” Alexander says, and places his hand gently between Aaron’s shoulderblades, guiding him to bed with a light touch. Once there, Alex pulls him into his arms.

“It’s so hard to talk about her,” Aaron chokes out. “She was such a big part of my life -- I loved her so much, Alex, and she didn’t want me, not really, I was just convenient and now I’m so scared because she knows about Theo now, and Theo knows about her and what if she tries to take her away? Fuck. Fuck! I can’t even think about this like a rational person because every time I get into this I have a goddamn panic attack and then I can’t do anything. What am I going to do when Theo wants to meet her?”

“Take it one step at a time. We can figure out a plan, yeah? When you feel more ready for it, we can see if Theo actually wants to meet her, and if she does, we can take it really slow. I promise you won’t have to go through this alone if you don’t want to.”

Aaron nods, pushes his face against Alexander’s chest. “Okay,” he says, his voice muffled. “Promise?”

“I promise,” Alex assures him again, and gently presses his lips to the top of Aaron’s head, hugging him tighter. Aaron sighs, and Alex keeps him close; slowly, slowly, he feels some of his tension drain away.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Aaron says, very softly.

“Me too. I’m glad I can be here to help you. You deserve to have support and care in your life.”

“I care about you so much,” Aaron says, and he knows he’s getting into the combination of coming down from an anxiety attack and being sleepy that means he could say just about anything, but he doesn’t have enough energy to care.

“I care about you. God. You mean so much to me,” Alex says. He kisses the top of Aaron’s head again. “Thank you for letting me in.”

“Thank you for staying.”

That’s the last they say, before falling quiet, drifting off to sleep, one and then the other.

* * *

Aaron wakes up to Alexander’s ungodly early alarm again.

“Turn that thing off,” Aaron grumbles. Alex hums, rolls over to oblige.

“Shit, dude, apparently it snowed like two feet overnight,” Alex says, scrolling through his phone.

Aaron groans. “Remind me why I live somewhere with four seasons again? God, please tell me I don’t have to get Theo to school in this.” He rolls over and fishes for his phone, checks his email, gives a sigh of relief at the email from her school saying that classes are canceled. “Oh, thank god. Except I’ve either gotta go to work and find someone to watch her for the day, or take the day off.”

“Well, Wash texted me and said I could stay home today, so, I mean, it would be completely unreasonable for him to expect you to come in too, like -- you don’t have anything imminent, do you?”

“No,” Aaron says, “but his favoritism is so --” He cuts himself off when he gets a group text from Washington’s number.

5:55 AM | George Washington  
Roads are dangerous today, plows are not getting out very quickly. I will not be in today due to the unsafe conditions, and it would be unfair to expect anyone else to put themselves at risk to get to work in this today. I’ll be in touch via email if I need anything immediately. Enjoy the day off and see you Monday.

Aaron and Alexander exchange a look.

“Well, I’m going back to sleep,” says Aaron, and pulls the covers back over himself and snuggles back up against Alex. Alex laughs and puts his arm around Aaron.

 

“Dad! Dad, did you see the snow? You’re not awake so does that mean I don’t have school?”

“Yep, no school today. Congratulations, you officially have an extra day of winter break,” Aaron says.

“Yay! Can we make a snowman?”

“Maybe we can take Lemonade to the park later today,” Aaron says. “And maybe add Philip to the party, if Alex is amicable to that.”

“Oh, please! Alex, can we?”

“I’ll see what time Eliza wants me to come get him. We should wait until the plows have gotten through, though, because we won’t be able to get anywhere with it like this out there.”

“Okay,” says Theo, apparently satisfied. “Are you going to sleep more? You look like you’re still asleep. I can make myself cereal and I promise I won’t spill the milk everywhere.”

“If you do spill it, come get me and I’ll help you clean it up.”

“Okay!” Theo takes her leave, and Aaron goes back to sleep.

 

When he wakes up for real, Alex is sitting up, texting with one hand and absentmindedly running his other hand over Aaron’s short hair. He looks over when he notices Aaron’s movement, and smiles. “Morning, sleepyhead.”

“Mmh. What time is it?”

“Almost ten-thirty. Theo and I took Lemonade outside a while ago, and then Theo wanted to go read in her room and I got back in bed. You have the softest blankets ever, I swear.”

“Thanks. I’m very selective.” Aaron leans into Alexander’s hand, and Alex looks as genuinely happy as Aaron has ever seen. Aaron realizes suddenly, almost violently, that he desperately wants to kiss this man. Fearing he’ll actually reach up and do it, he turns his head instead and kisses Alex’s palm, then pulls back and sits up. Alexander blinks at him, and Aaron feels very exposed.

“I’m, um. Gonna get dressed,” Aaron says, and gets up quickly.

 

They end up at the park, with an overly excited golden retriever bounding through the snow, pursued by two equally excited children.

“I do not like snow,” Alexander says, taking delicate steps to walk exactly in Aaron’s footprints. Aaron watches him, amused.

“Now, why ever would that be?”

“Oh, shut up, you. I was really enchanted by it for the first couple years I lived here, but, oh my god. It’s cold and annoying and wet and it gets everywhere! It’s inside my boots and I don’t even know how! Winter is the worst. I wasn’t made for this.”

Aaron, taking advantage of Alexander’s distraction, scoops up a snowball and lobs it at him right as he turns around. It hits Alex in the face; Alex shouts in surprise.

“Oops,” says Aaron, and once Alexander has recovered, he gets a look in his eye that fills Aaron with dread.

Aaron quickly goes to scoop up another snowball, as Alex proclaims, “This means war!”

A very short time later, it is everyone for themself as the four of them, plus dog, run around throwing snow at each other. Philip trips and comes up covered in snow and laughing, and nearly shrieks with giggles as Lemonade noses at him to make sure he’s okay. The stray curls peeking out of Theo’s hat are coated in snow, and Alex is red-faced and laughing.

The next time Aaron gets Alexander in the face with a snowball, Alex tackles him to the ground without a second thought and they’re both laughing, laughing, as Alex scoops up a mittenfull of snow and gently paps it against Aaron’s cheek. The fight goes out of both of them, and then they’re just there, on the ground, panting, grinning at each other.

Aaron sits up and tries to wipe the snow off his face, but it is ineffective because his glove is entirely saturated with snow. Theo and Philip are trying to construct a square snowball; it is not working well.

“Maybe we should head back,” Aaron suggests, because he is cold and wet and no longer caught up in the excitement of throwing snow.

“Aww,” chorus Theo and Philip.

“We’ve still got to walk back,” Alex points out. “Plus we’ve gotta make sure Lemonade stays warm, right? She’s got less outerwear than you guys.”

This seems to convince them enough, and they gather themselves together and head back. Aaron takes Lemonade into the bathroom to gently towel her dry, and then she goes off to curl up in her bed, all tuckered out. Alexander is helping Philip and Theo take off their coats and snowpants and boots and all of the extraneous layers involved in a trek out in the snow. Even with all the layers, snow has managed to melt inside onto their regular clothes, so Aaron finds clothes for Philip and Alexander to change into.

Once they are all dry and changed, Aaron sets about making hot chocolate. Philip and Theo have taken over the living room couch to watch a movie, each of them having brought out one of Theo’s blankets. Theo’s has Winnie the Pooh, and Philip’s has the characters of Frozen. Alexander follows Aaron around the kitchen, seemingly a bit at loose ends. He leans against the counter next to Aaron.

“That was fun,” Alexander says.

“Still hate snow?” Aaron quips, nudging Alex out of the way so he can get to the marshmallows.

“Yeah, but, y’know. It has its upsides,” he says, and Aaron smiles up at him, realizing as he does just how close Alex is, how his chapped lips are barely a few inches away --

Aaron looks away quickly and drops a few marshmallows into each mug. “Can you deliver these two to Theo and Philip?”

“No problem,” Alexander says cheerfully, apparently not having noticed anything, and exits. Aaron stays put, picking up one of the two remaining ones and cradling it in his hands. He wants -- he does, he really does, but he’s afraid --

“Yo, you okay?”

“Uh. Yeah. Burnt my tongue,” Aaron says, and Alex makes a sympathetic face.

He comes over and collects his own mug, and says, “You want to join them in the living room?”

“If I watch Zootopia one more time this week, I just might -- I don’t even know what I just might do. Cry? Explode? My brain will melt out my ears? I don’t know.”

“Is it that terrible?”

“It’s not bad, per se. I mean, I’m a bit miffed about their metaphor for racism that doesn’t include privilege, because it doesn’t make sense without it, but it’s not a terrible movie. It’s just that we’ve watched it about ten times this week. I’m not ready for eleven.”

“Okay. We can stay here then, or something. I just kinda want to sit down.”

“I’m not suggesting we have to stand here in the kitchen,” Aaron says, but doesn’t really know what else to suggest. The kitchen-slash-dining room leads right into the living room, and then there’s just the bathroom and Theo’s room and Aaron’s room. Which, really, only leaves one option. “We can watch something else in my room?” Aaron suggests, before his pause can get awkward.

“Alright, let’s do that, then.”

They get back in bed, leave the bedroom door open to keep an ear out for Theo and Philip, in case of hot chocolate catastrophe or disasters of other kinds. Aaron flips through Netflix absentmindedly, and they play the same game as before, landing on Love Actually. Aaron rolls his eyes, but Alex insists.

Aaron doesn’t pay that much attention to the movie, instead electing to play endless rounds of solitaire on his phone. He likes it; it helps his mind feel clearer, focusing on something with straightforward rules that he understands. Alexander keeps up a running commentary about the movie, which is, in Aaron’s opinion, far more entertaining than the movie itself.

Aaron hears the end credits of Zootopia playing, and pauses the movie to go check that everything is okay in the living room. The hot chocolate mugs are on the coffee table, long forgotten, and both Theo and Philip have dozed off. They’re on opposite ends of the couch, each of them with their heads on one of the throw pillows. Aaron smiles to himself and takes the mugs to the kitchen, resolving to do dishes later, then returns to Alexander.

“What’s up?” Alex says.

“They’re asleep. Guess playing in the snow took up all their energy.”

“Took mine too, I’m exhausted.”

Aaron laughs, getting back in bed and sitting next to Alex. “Something about transfer of heat or something. Wore us all out, I guess.” He fights the urge to curl up closer to Alex and rest his head on his shoulder, but just as he’s talked himself out of it, Alexander scoots closer and puts his head on Aaron’s shoulder. Aaron laughs a little -- _figures_ \-- and puts his arm around Alex.

“You’re warm. It’s nice,” says Alexander.

“Mm. I try.”

“That’s false, you stick your icicle toes against my leg every night I spend with you!”

“That’s me trying to be warm,” Aaron points out.

“Pff. Whatever.” Alex pushes his face against the side of Aaron’s neck, then sighs. “God, I like you so much.”

“Oh,” says Aaron, very intelligently. He knows this, Alexander has said as much before, but he’s just so open with his feelings that it takes Aaron aback every time.

“It’s true,” Alexander insists.

“I like you too,” Aaron admits, very quietly, and he feels more than sees Alexander’s smile.

They stay like that until two children come bursting into the room inquiring about dinner, but even when they move apart, Aaron feels a little lighter. Whenever they make eye contact, Alex gives a quiet little smile, something just between the two of them, and Aaron can never help but smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update on potential-hiatus situation: i have the next chapter written, and then the two following that halfway done. it's almost the end of the semester so i'm about to be super busy so it kind of depends how much i get written if i'll have to put this on pause. frustratingly, school has to come first, even though if i had my way i would absolutely spend all my free time writing about these nerds :P
> 
> so in summary there will for sure be an update next week and then after that, i have no idea what the schedule will look like. i continue to promise this will not be abandoned though so fear not <3 i hope you enjoy the fluff in the meantime!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RUSHES IN AT THE LAST MINUTE WITH THE UPDATE

Alex and Philip leave after dinner that night, and things go back to a relative sort of normal. It’s Aaron’s first time with Theo on a break from school while he’s working full-time, so he’s anxious, but his neighbors are more than willing to help him out. The husband is a teacher, in fact works in Theo’s school district, and so he stays home and watches the kids. He lets Aaron fuss, but assures him everything will be fine and, anyway, they have his number.

Alexander always swings by Aaron’s office to drop off coffee and say hello, and ever since the snow day, he’s taken to lingering, leaning against Aaron’s desk and talking and flirting a little. He’s so obvious about it, smiling and tossing his hair and making not-as-coy-as-he-thinks comments, but then Aaron supposes he doesn’t have to be subtle, they’re both on the same page about their affections.

“Hey, Aaron. I like your sweater.”

“...Is it yours? Last time you said that it was yours.”

“Nah. I just like it. It’s a nice color on you.”

Aaron gives Alex a suspicious look, but Alex just smiles and walks out of his office. Once gone, Aaron inspects his shirt to make sure he hasn’t spilled anything on it or something.

It’s on backwards.

9:17 AM | Aaron Burr  
I hate you.

* * *

Christmas falls on a Sunday, and so Aaron takes the week between Christmas and New Year’s off, anxious to spend more time at home with Theo. They arrange for Alexander to come over on Christmas Eve, after Theo goes to sleep. Alex and Aaron agree not to buy each other gifts; Alex doesn’t even make a weird face when Aaron insists on this rule, and Aaron is grateful.

Aaron pesters Eliza for pictures of Alex and Philip together, and she delivers. Aaron spends several evenings carefully laying out scrapbook pages. He and Sally used to do this, as kids; their grandmother had liked to scrapbook and would show them her favorite techniques.

Theo and Aaron spend a quiet Christmas Eve together, watching silly movies and drinking hot chocolate. After dinner, they set out a plate of cookies -- for Santa -- carefully laid out beside the presents, and another plate of baby carrots and celery, for the reindeer. Theo had felt it was unfair that everyone always laid out cookies for Santa, but nothing for the reindeer, who “did at least as much work anyway,” so she had decided to take the task upon herself.

“Since we ate dinner and did all the things, does this mean I can open my Christmas Eve present now?” Theo asks.

“That was the deal. Go ahead, it’s the one in the solid red paper, right in the middle.” Theo holds it up questioningly. “Yep, that’s it.”

Theo parks herself on the couch next to Aaron, and tears through the wrapping paper. It is a set of pajamas, bright purple and pink flannel, and Theo looks thrilled.

“They’re so soft! Thank you, Dad, I’m gonna go put them on right now!”

“You’re welcome, T. Make sure you don’t stay up too late,” Aaron says. Theo’s routine is set every night -- as soon as she puts on her pajamas, she brushes her teeth and then reads a little before she goes to sleep.

“I promise I won’t!” She scampers off to her room, leaving the torn-up wrapping paper on the floor. Aaron picks it up before Lemonade can get at it, and gets up to throw it out.

Once Theo has brushed her teeth and should be settling in bed, Aaron taps on her door. She allows his entry as she is arranging her pillows.. He sits down at the edge of her bed and she wraps her arms around his middle.

“Good night, Dad,” she says. “Merry Christmas Eve!”

“Merry Christmas Eve to you too, Theo.” He kisses the top of her head. “Sleep well. I love you.”

“I love you too. Good night.” She hugs him extra tight for a second; he hugs her back, and then she settles down, hugs her stuffed horse and closes her eyes. Aaron gets up and turns off the light; her nightlight flickers on, and Aaron gently closes the door.

 

8:47 PM | Aaron Burr  
She’s in bed, you can head over whenever.

Fifteen minutes later, Alex arrives. He is holding two gifts, inexpertly wrapped in bright blue wrapping paper with little stars, and sets them carefully beneath the tree before he flops down on the couch. His glasses are slipping down the bridge of his nose; his hair is loose around his face, and he grins up at Aaron.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” says Aaron, who is sitting down by his feet. His laptop, sitting in front of him on the coffee table, makes a soft noise, signaling a new email. He leans forward and clicks on it; it’s from his sister, Sally.

Subject: Merry Christmas  
sburr@e.mail

Aaron --  
Merry Christmas! Your real present is on the way -- I mailed it before we left but I’m not sure if it’s gotten to you yet. Little Aaron and Tapping say hello and send their love. Ron made the cutest card for “Cousin Theo,” you’ll have to tell me what she thinks of it.  
Anyway, I was looking through my old pictures and found a whole bunch from my stay with you. I think I’d meant to send them, but I don’t think I ever did. So, here they are; I hope you enjoy them. (Don’t hate me for the candid ones! I thought you’d appreciate having them someday.)  
All my love,  
Sally

There is a staggering amount of attachments. Aaron clicks on the first one; it’s a picture of him asleep on the couch, baby Theo asleep on his chest.

“What’cha looking at?” Alex asks.

“Sally sent me a bunch of pictures from when she was staying with me after Theo was born,” Aaron says, turning his laptop towards Alex.

“Aww, oh my god, you should frame that, it’s so cute, look at you two.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling, too. He clicks to the next picture; it’s him and Theo again; this time his back is to the camera and he’s in the kitchen, holding her. A lot of pictures of him holding her, standing or sitting or lying down. There’s one of Aaron alone in the kitchen -- well, not alone, because Sally obviously was there taking the picture. He’s looking straight into the camera, stoic and also kind of irritated, his back to the counter with his hands spread on the countertop.

“Holy shit,” Alex says. “You’re gorgeous.”

Aaron frowns at the picture. He thinks he just looks grumpy and sleep-deprived, and softer than he would really like anyone to observe. He keeps harsh standards about his own body, far less kind to himself than he would be to anyone else in the world -- as soon as he could after Theo was born he started working out, anxious that the weight he’d gained while pregnant would change the way people saw him. He still has a hard time looking at himself in the mirror, even years later and meticulously in shape, unable to keep his eyes off the stretch marks and how his chest looks without a binder.

Aaron, unable to think of a reply, just clicks over to the next picture. More pictures of him and a tiny Theo to coo over, doing all sorts of things like sleeping or crying or eating or cuddling.

He realizes that the pictures are going back in time but doesn’t think much of it until he clicks next and freezes, every muscle in his body locking in tension as he stares at the picture; taken, according to the timestamp, the day before Theo was born, and by the time he clicks away from it it’s too late it’s too late Alex has already seen it, seen him like _that_ and he can’t scrub the picture away from Alex’s brain and he turns to look at Alex but Alex is already looking at him with concern.

He realizes his hands are shaking.

“I can pretend I never saw it?" Alex says quickly.

“But you did,” Aaron says.

Alex nods. “Yeah. I did. And -- I know you didn’t want me to, and for super fucking valid reasons, and I’m really sorry that that happened and that I did see it, but, uh, if I can say -- I think it’s super fucking badass that you went through all of that terrible shit, like I can’t even possibly imagine how awful it must have been but you still did it and you made a whole goddamn angel of a human being who is like -- alive and wonderful and a ray of sunshine and she exists because of you and it just fucking blows my mind how this shit works, okay, like every time I look at Philip I can’t even comprehend it and then there’s you and Theo and it just -- I just -- I’m in awe, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. The amount of strength it had to have taken to do that? Jesus. You’re the most badass father I’ve ever met.”

Aaron isn’t sure what to say. Isn’t sure what to make of this speech. Says nothing, instead.

Alex keeps talking. “Like -- fuck. You’re brilliant, you’re a kickass lawyer, you’re drop-dead gorgeous, you’re kind, you love Theo with all your heart -- seriously, it shows all over your face when you’re around her, it’s like the one thing you can’t hide. You’d obviously do anything for her, and you like -- kind of already have? I just -- I guess I just want you to know that I really fucking admire you, and that -- like -- it doesn’t make you any less of a man ‘cause you’ve carried a child. Like, okay, your body is capable of different stuff than mine, but so what? I think it’s super fucking cool, actually, and you have an amazing kid and you’ve raised her pretty much entirely on your own and she’s a happy and healthy and wonderful kid because you love her and respect her and, like, I wish every kid got to have a dad like you, because every kid deserves that sort of love and respect, y’know? I dunno, man, I just think you’re fantastic and I hope I can somehow learn to be half as good of a man as you are.”

Aaron climbs into Alex’s lap and tucks his face against the side of Alex’s neck. He doesn’t say anything, neither of them do, but Aaron hugs him tight.

“I think I want to look at the rest of the pictures,” Aaron says, eventually.

“Okay. Do you want me to go somewhere else?”

“No. Stay."

Alex rests his chin on Aaron's shoulder, and they stay like that, together, until they get up to get ready for bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i have good news and bad news
> 
> the good news: i promise you this fic is going to be finished
> 
> the bad news: i will be going on a hiatus with updates for probably about a month, possibly a bit longer. which sucks and i'm sorry; i'm just as upset as you are, believe me. i want to share this story with you but i don't have the ability right now to make it the way i want it. there's a lot going on in my life and i can't spend the time i want to writing right now. in the meantime, i hope you liked this chapter, and there will be more to come once my life settles down.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [kicks down door] I'M BACK

They sleep curled up with each other, in a way that is becoming a more and more regular occurrence, and are awoken on the dot of 8 o’clock, the previously arranged time for Theo to wake them up. Theo jumps up on the bed, shouting “It’s Christmas!” and then after her Lemonade jumps up on the bed and licks all their faces.

Before they’d gone to bed, they’d finished looking at all the pictures -- there had only been a few left, mostly of Aaron sleeping or with his guard otherwise down, since Sally had obviously known full well that if Aaron had caught her taking the pictures, he would have made her delete them. He is glad, in a weird sort of way, that someone had wanted to preserve that time in his life, because while he certainly hadn’t, it’s almost comforting to have proof that it really happened.

After that, Aaron had pulled out the present from Santa for Theo, and he and Alex made the cookies (and celery and carrots) disappear appropriately. They’d gone to bed, after, and Aaron had laid there for a long time, not quite able to fall asleep, thinking about Alex, thinking about how he’d let him see that part of him, something he’d never voluntarily shown or told anyone who didn’t absolutely need to know.

He’s not sure how he came to trust Alex so much, but here he is, letting Alex in again and again, showing him parts of himself that he didn’t think he would ever share.

He can’t stop dwelling on this all morning. He is distracted from his introspection, of course, at Theo’s joy: she is delighted that Santa and the reindeer seemed to have enjoyed their snacks, and delighted by the carefully-wrapped gifts left for her in return, and delighted at the contents of each present. There isn’t a lot, but the light in Theo’s eyes shows that it is a lot to her.

The school Theo goes to does a little thing where each student can get a gift for each member of their family, and Theo had selected a little photo album for Aaron.

Alex meets Aaron’s eyes, and Aaron decides in that moment that that album will be dedicated to the pictures from Sally. Maybe not the ones from -- before -- he’s not ready for that, not yet, maybe not ever, but the ones with him and little Theo?

Yeah. He can do that.

Theo had insisted, too, on getting something for Alex, and so she and Aaron had made an excursion to find something for her to get him. Theo had picked out a travel mug; suitable for Alex, infamous for his constant coffee-drinking, inscribed with the phrase “write like it’s going out of style.” Alex lights up when he sees it, and thanks Theo profusely. Theo positively glows.

Theo -- the self-assigned present sorter -- hands out the last three presents under the tree. One for Alex, one for Aaron, and one for herself.

“Hey, this one says it’s from Santa, too!”

“He must have wanted to surprise you with an extra gift, you must have been really good this year.”

Aaron glances at Alex; Alex is not paying attention to Aaron. Theo pulls off the wrapping paper and gives an excited gasp, and Aaron bites his lip. It’s a doll -- one of the American Girl ones, the really nice ones made to look just like the kid they’re for. It has the same hair as Theo, same skin color, same everything. He’d wanted to get her one so badly, after she had seen an advertisement -- he’d noticed the wistfulness on her face. Most of the dolls in the stores don’t look like her -- he knows, he’d searched every toy store to find dolls he could afford with dark skin and Theo’s hair.

And this one’s perfect.

“She looks just like me,” Theo says, almost reverently.

Aaron looks at Alex, still worrying at his lower lip with his teeth. Alex gives a sheepish little smile, puts his hand on top of Aaron’s.

“Do you like her?” Alex asks her. The grin on Theo’s face is almost blinding.

“Yes!”

Aaron swallows around the tightness in his throat.

Theo observes their still-unopened gifts. “Don’t forget to open yours!”

“Yeah,” Alex says, grinning and nudging Aaron. Aaron picks at the wrapping paper, carefully peeling off the tape to open it. Inside is a box; he opens the box to find an envelope. He looks at Alex warily; Alex nods at him encouragingly.

The letter inside is handwritten, in Alex’s cramped, smudgy handwriting, covering the entire page of paper.

_Dear Aaron,_

_It’s hard to believe that we have known each other for so long and that we have only just gotten closer over the past few months; it feels like I have known you so long and yet hardly at all. Spending time with you is one of my favorite things to do; you are not only overwhelmingly charming and handsome, but also one of the very few people I feel I can truly be myself around. I find myself smiling more around you than with nearly anyone else._

_What I am trying to say is, I care for you very much. You are a positive and wonderful force in my life, and I treasure every moment that I spend with you. I hope that you find my company similarly enjoyable, and I hope that despite the fact that we have been brought together by somewhat uncommon circumstances, our relationship is able to weather the sands of time and that we maintain a strong friendship throughout our lifetimes._

_Perhaps that is coming on a little strong, but I am sure you are well aware of how I feel about you. But despite romantic inclinations or otherwise, I value you first and foremost as a person and a friend, and whether it is or is not to be for us to be romantically engaged is well beside the point. I don’t expect or anticipate you to make a decision upon reading this letter; I don’t expect or anticipate you to make a decision until you are perfectly comfortable doing so, and whatever it ends up being, it will not change the fact that you are very dear and important to me._

_In conclusion, I am infinitely grateful for your friendship and for the fact that we are lucky enough to be alive at the same time. Thank you for being the person you are, and I wish for you only the best for the entirety of your existence._

_Yours,  
Alexander_

Aaron has never been so grateful that it’s difficult to see a blush on his complexion, because he can already see Alex’s eager grin out of the corner of his eye and knows that Alex must be able to tell how moved he is regardless.

He looks at Alex fully, smiles at him, says “thank you” in a soft voice, and hopes Alex knows that it also means _likewise_.

By the smile Aaron gets in return, he thinks Alex does.

After being prodded by Theo, Alex opens his present, and his mouth opens slightly; he looks between the little scrapbook and Aaron, speechless for once. He looks back down at it, flips through it almost reverently. Theo climbs up on the couch to get a look at it, and provides commentary on the pictures -- mostly just laughing at the ones where Alex or Philip is making a funny face.

“Thank you, Aaron,” Alex says softly, his eyes a little too bright, and Aaron just smiles at him. Theo loses interest, then, and sits back down on the floor to start attempting to get things out of their packaging -- easier said than done.

Once she’s out of earshot, Aaron says in a whisper, “Alex, that was a lot of money to spend --”

“She wanted it, you wanted to get it for her but you couldn’t, and I could so I did. I followed the rules,” Alex whispers back, stubbornly. “It was just for each other that we made the agreement, technically.”

“The letter of the law, not the spirit,” Aaron mutters. Alex grins. “You spent that much on my kid just to make her happy -- just to make me happy she was happy… _Alex_ ,” he says, and he doesn’t know what else to say, pulls him into a tight hug instead.

“And you spent ages on this scrapbook thing for me, you had to have, and it’s all me and Phil ‘cause I don’t get to see him today and you must have gotten these from Eliza and I -- just -- thank you, Aaron,” Alex says, into the side of Aaron’s neck. “Thank you.”

 

“Dad, once you and Alex are done crying on the couch, will you help me open this?”

 

The three of them spend most of the day playing with Theo’s new toys, and later that afternoon, they get a Skype call from Sally and her family. Theo rushes over so she can be the first one to say hello; Aaron stands back, amused.

_Hi Aunt Sally!_ Theo signs, and barely leaves enough time for Sally to respond and ask how her day is going before she goes off on a flurry of signing, almost too fast to understand, joyously telling Sally and her son Aaron -- colloquially known as Ron, to minimize confusion -- now onscreen, about her favorite gifts. Aaron glances up to see Alex watching, looking impressed.

“Come over here, let me introduce you once Theo is done telling everyone about her day,” Aaron says, and Alex crosses the room cautiously.

“I know a bit of ASL, but I can’t quite keep up with Theo over here,” Alex admits. “Just the basics, really.”

Theo pauses. “It’s cause Aunt Sally and I Skype every week! I want to be able to talk to her and Ron, too, cause otherwise they’d have a really hard time understanding me,” she informs Alex. “Plus sometimes talking words are hard, and it’s easier to do it this way.”

“Maybe you can help me learn, then,” Alex says, and Theo beams. She turns back to the screen, and introduces Alex to Sally and Ron. Aaron quietly translates their responses for Alex, and translates Alex to them.

They talk for the better part of an hour, to Sally and Ron and Sally’s husband and in-laws, until the people on the other side of the screen break for dinner and they say their goodbyes.

After that, Theo insists that Alex and Aaron join her in playing with her new toys. She keeps her most treasured new doll close, but allows the two of them their choice of any of the others as their principal characters. She fastidiously sets up every new toy as part of the landscape for the game; this part generally takes more of her time than the actual game itself. Lemonade, who has been gifted with a few new toys, comes by a few times to investigate, but is content to just lay beside Aaron so long as he pets her every so often.

Indeed, by the time Theo has set everything up to her liking, she complains that she is hungry, and so Aaron goes to get dinner ready, and turns on a movie for her and Alex to watch in the meantime. They’ve already watched the animated Grinch movie three times this week, but Theo seems perfectly content on a fourth time, and spends most of the movie quoting the lines to an impressed Alex. Alex improvises lines back, but is met with disapproval when they are too far off.

 

After dinner, they all sprawl back on the living room floor to “actually begin the game,” as Theo puts it, and that keeps them occupied until Theo starts yawning, tucks herself against Aaron’s side and closes her eyes.

So Aaron carries Theo to bed, tucks a sleepy and happy child in under her covers, and returns to Alex in the living room.

“So, as much as I’d love to keep playing with dolls with you, I need to do the dishes,” Aaron says.

“I’ll help,” Alex says, getting to his feet, and so they team up: Aaron with the washing, Alex with the drying.

“Wanna hear a poem I just made up?” Alex says.

“No.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, this water is hot and so are you.”

“I hate you so much,” Aaron says, laughing, reaching out to turn off the hot water. “Just turn it down if you can’t handle it, must I do everything for you?”

Alex’s eyes light up and Aaron already dreads what will come out of his mouth next.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, it’s getting cold outside so I should put my arms around you.”

“Not unless you want to get splashed,” Aaron says, and then flicks water at him regardless. Alex squawks, then clamps a hand over his mouth and glances in the direction of Theo’s room. “I’m sure you didn’t wake her, she was pretty wiped out,” he says, finishing up with the last dish and washing his hands.

Alex has his thinking face back on, and a few seconds later he bursts out with, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I wanna kiss your face, and a lot more too --”

“Oh, hush, you!” Aaron says, shoving Alex with his shoulder, and Alex laughs, and then they are hugging, Aaron’s face tucked against the side of Alex’s neck. “You gigantic nerd,” Aaron says.

“Yeah, but you like me.”

“How presumptuous!”

“You _doooo_ though.”

Aaron sighs, shakes his head, but he’s smiling, and he knows Alex can tell. “Unfortunately.” He steps back and takes one of Alex’s hands in his. “You’ve got some sort of charm, I guess. Either that or I’ve lost all sense of good taste.”

Alex grins and lifts Aaron’s hand to his lips, presses a kiss to his knuckles and winks at him.

“Hey,” says Aaron, and Alex raises his eyebrows. “Roses are red, violets are blue, we’re both kind of a mess but, god help me, I do like you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND WITH THAT, WE (KIND OF) END THE HIATUS
> 
> after this update i'll go back to sundays, i think -- so no update this upcoming sunday (sorry!) but the one after that?? we're doin it. we're making it happen. i have the next chapter and a half written and it only gets gayer from here, my friends
> 
> thank you for all being patient with me through the break ♥ (and special thanks to alex and jane for helping with parts of this chapter ♥)


	12. Chapter 12

The very day after Eliza and Philip get back, Aaron and Theo are invited over. Philip immediately hauls Theo off so he can show her his new toys, and Aaron collapses onto the couch with Eliza.

“Long week?” he says.

“You don’t even _know_ ,” she says, a wry smile. “I’m so glad to be home. Not that I don’t love my family, of course! It’s just… they can be a lot.”

“Understandable,” Aaron says.

Eliza sighs and pulls her feet up on the couch, turns to face Aaron and lean back against the armrest. Aaron mirrors her. “How was your holiday?”

“It was nice. Quiet. Alex came over,” Aaron says.

Eliza waggles her eyebrows, then says, “Wait, you had a quiet holiday with Alex in the house? Somehow that seems a little contradictory to me.”

Aaron snorts. “Quiet as in it was the three of us and the dog.”

“If I could have a holiday with just me and my crush and my son and a dog, it would be nothing short of a miracle.”

It’s Aaron’s turn to waggle his eyebrows. “You have a crush?”

“No! No, put your eyebrows back down, I really don’t. I kind of like being single? Maybe that’s weird, but like -- Alex and I got together so young, I never really had a chance to be on my own in my adult life. Like, yeah, it’s rough, too, but I’ve got friends.” She nudges Aaron’s leg with her foot, smiles at him. He smiles back. “And family. It’s not like I’m wanting for support, you know? I like the freedom.”

“That’s good,” says Aaron, and means it. “You deserve to have the space to grow on your own.”

 

Theo and Philip come into the room with a set of watercolors and a stack of paper, and Eliza gets off the couch to set the two of them up at the kitchen table. Aaron watches, as Theo and Philip discuss their ideas, and Eliza comes back to the couch. They both watch as their children go from giggly and conversational to serious and focused, dedicated to their art.

“I finished!” Theo says, not long later.

“You gotta sign it so you can be a real artist,” Philip says, without looking up, and Theo picks up her paintbrush again to paint her name along the bottom of the paper.

“Dad, come see! I’m a real artist!”

Eliza smiles at Aaron, and he gets up to go look. Eliza follows; when Philip sees her come over, he blocks his paper from her sight with his arm and tells her that she’s not allowed to see until he’s finished. She agrees not to look, and the two of them look at Theo’s masterpiece.

It’s a rainbow, complete with a cloud at either end, and along the bottom of the page, she has written in her blocky handwriting, _Theo “Theodosia” Burr_.

“Did I do the nickname thing right?”

“To be technical, your full name would come before the nickname, but you’re definitely in the right spirit,” Aaron says. “And your painting is beautiful.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, I get called Theo more than I get called Theodosia.”

“Grammar isn’t very logical,” Eliza agrees.

“Look at my painting!” Philip says, finishing signing his name with a flourish; the _R_ at the tail end of Schuyler trails halfway across the page, nearly drips onto the table. The painting itself is of a veritable garden’s worth of flowers, in every color in the watercolor set.

“This one is my favorite,” Theo says, pointing at a turquoise flower with a purple center.

“They’re all good,” Philip counters, a little defensively.

“Well, _yeah_ , they’re all pretty, but this one’s my favorite colors. Can we put them on the fridge?”

“Of course you can, once they’re dry,” Eliza says. “Unless you’d rather take yours home?”

“We have loads of my pictures at home but you don’t have hardly any of my pictures here and this one is _autographed_ , even.”

Eliza laughs, a happy sound. “Well, then we simply have no other choice. Do you want to keep painting?”

Both of them nod, and Eliza sets the wet paintings aside so that they can dry. Theo and Philip go back to painting, and Eliza and Aaron go back to the couch. Eliza doesn’t say anything, but she keeps giving Aaron a thoughtful sort of look.

“What’s up?” asks Aaron.

“Just thinking -- Theodosia isn’t a very common name, and my sister was just telling me the other day about a new coworker she has named Theodosia. Weird coincidence, right? Apparently she used to live here, but moved to Georgia a few years back, but she and her husband are divorcing and so she moved back.”

“Oh,” says Aaron, and his voice comes out a little strangled. Eliza’s cheer at this seeming coincidence evaporates, and she looks concerned.

“Do you know her?”

“I -- really do not want to talk about this,” Aaron says.

“Okay. Okay, that’s okay, I’m sorry,” Eliza says. Aaron shakes his head.

“Don’t worry, you didn’t know,” he says, but he can’t shake the tightness grabbing at his chest. She’s back, she’s moved back here, he might see her again, and she’s getting divorced what does that mean what does it _mean oh god_ \--

Eliza places her hand gently on Aaron’s arm, startling him back to reality. “Do you need to go home?”

“I -- I don’t know,” Aaron says, and Eliza nods. She gently squeezes his arm, a reassuring gesture, and he leans into the touch a little bit. He keeps his eyes on the floor, trying to keep himself from, for the second time in recent memory, vomiting out all the words of his fraught history with Theodosia, but it’s poisonous; he can’t keep it all inside, and he whispers, “she’s Theo’s mother.”

“Oh, Aaron,” says Eliza, and she hugs him. It’s unexpected, and he’s still for a moment, but then he hugs her back and pushes his face against her shoulder. “It’s okay, you can handle it on your own terms; just because she’s here doesn’t mean anything. You still have your autonomy, and you’ve got people who are here for you. I’m your friend, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” Aaron whispers, a little more choked up than he’d like. “Thank you.” It doesn’t encompass all he’d like to say, but he thinks Eliza understands, because she hugs him tighter for a moment, then pulls back and cups his face in a hand, giving him a reassuring little smile.

“It’s going to be okay.”

“You think?”

“I know,” she says, with such certainty that Aaron can do nothing but believe her. “We’re living proof that when everything goes to shit, we can pick ourselves up and keep going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unfortunately kind of a short update but _oh man_


	13. Chapter 13

Aaron’s hands are shaky as he drives Theo home; Theo chatters about her time with Philip for most of the car ride, until she seems to process that something is up. She gets a thoughtful look on her face and falls quiet. This does not help Aaron’s nerves.

“Dad,” she says, very seriously, as they get in the elevator. “Are you okay? You’re making the same face I make when I’ve had a bad day.”

He is not sure how he managed to have such an extremely perceptive child -- but then, by all accounts (most of them from Sally) he was much the same at her age. Watching other people and trying to figure out what made them act the ways that they do. He’d quickly grown out of the confidence to call other people on it. He hopes the same doesn’t happen to her.

“Did you and Eliza argue?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” he assures her. He hesitates for a moment as he unlocks the door to their apartment, unsure if he should continue, but he knows he should. This concerns Theo just as much. “She told me that Theodosia,” he pauses, unsure of whether to add ‘your mother,’ but Theo nods and he goes on. “That Theodosia has moved back here and works with her sister, and that she is getting a divorce from her husband.”

“Oh,” says Theo, with round eyes. “Does that mean you have to marry her?”

“ _No!_ ” He clears his throat. “No.” _Wow. Great job staying cool there._ “I’m just -- thinking it’s likely that we’ll encounter her. And that we will need to talk about whether or not you want to meet her.”

Theo nods. “I think… maybe? I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to decide right now, of course. You can think about it, and no matter what your decision is, I will support you. My priority is that you feel comfortable and safe, okay?”

“Okay. I’m going to go draw now.”

“Okay, have fun,” says Aaron, and Theo heads off to her room.

 

Aaron collapses on the couch. He stares at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying to see how long he can go without anxiously texting Alex about this. He pulls out his phone, but still testing his anxiety, he checks his email.

Subject: Lunch?  
mlewis@e.mail  
Hey Aaron --  
I was wondering if you wanted to meet up for lunch sometime this week with me and a friend of mine. She’s looking for some legal advice (a similar situation to mine) and I told her I knew just the guy. If that’s something you can/want to do that would be super awesome. And either way lunch is no pressure, but there’s a cute cafe that just opened up nearby that I’ve been wanting an excuse to try.  
If you’re up for it, Monday and Wednesday are best for us~  
(Also, check the new email!)  
-Maria

 

And of course he can’t decline that offer, he’s grown fond of Maria and if there’s someone else in similar circumstances to her _(to himself)_ that he can help, he’s entirely there for that. So he emails her back, asks what time on Monday would be best.

And then he texts Alex.

Or, he goes to text Alex, but he’s gotten no farther than the letter ‘h’ in ‘hey’ when his phone vibrates with a text from the man himself.

7:25 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
hey are you free tonight?

7:27 PM | Aaron Burr  
I was just about to text you.  
I’m not doing anything, just me and Theo for the night.

7:28 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
a fated coincidence!

7:28 PM | Aaron Burr  
You just want me to invite you over because you’re bored.

7:29 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
ok maybe partly but also 1. i enjoy your company and 2. i will bring food if you want

7:30 PM | Aaron Burr  
If you bring me pad Thai I’m yours for the night.

7:30 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
on it. theo want anything?

7:31 PM | Aaron Burr  
She ate at Eliza’s.

7:31 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
and you didn’t?

7:33 PM | Aaron Burr  
Not really, wasn’t hungry. Anxiety.

7:34 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
oh shit. well i’ll be there asap ok? with food for u and all the emotional support u can handle

7:35 PM | Aaron Burr  
My hero.

7:35 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
:D

7:35 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
see you soon!

 

Alexander arrives promptly within the hour, during which time Aaron has changed into his softest hoodie and pajama pants and brought his fluffiest blanket out to the couch, where he is sitting with it wrapped around his whole body. Theo has brushed her teeth and gotten settled in bed, where Aaron suspects she will stay up reading for a while longer.

Alex sets the bag full of takeout down on the coffee table and sits down on the couch to hug Aaron. Aaron, though his arms are bound by the blanket, leans into Alex and closes his eyes. He’s warm and smells familiar, and he feels some of his tension leave him. Alex kisses the top of his head before he pulls away to distribute their food, and by now it’s something Aaron comfortably accepts as a thing that happens. He withdraws his hands from his blanket to accept his container from Alex, and they sit together in companionable silence as they eat.

Lemonade comes to investigate, interested as always in Alex, as well as begging for food. She never gets any, but she does make some persuasive sad eyes. By the time they finish eating, Lemonade has made a home for herself dozing with her head on Aaron’s thigh.

“You know, I always sort of thought you’d be a cat person,” Alex says, breaking the silence between them.

“What?”

“I mean, you’re quiet, kind of aloof --” Aaron frowns at Alex, who laughs. “What made you get a dog?”

“Oh -- it was actually Theo’s idea, really.”

“Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.”

“Shut up. She read a book about a family that trained a service dog and suddenly it was all she could talk about, and so I looked into it and, well. She ended up failing out of the final test, which for some reason I don’t think was a terrible disappointment for anyone involved.” Aaron pets her head, and she blinks sleepily at him. “Isn’t that right, Lemon?” A tail-wag.

“She’s a good dog, for sure.”

“Despite her lack of a real certification, she’s amazing at detecting anxiety. I can’t tell you how many times she’s come to comfort me when I’ve had a bad night.”

“A _really_ good dog.”

“Hah. Yeah, she is.”

Alex slouches to rest his head on Aaron’s shoulder. “You look as tired as she does.”

“God, yeah. I just want to be under the covers with you.” Pause. “And clearly I’ve lost my filter, so there’s the proof.”

Alex laughs and gently headbutts the side of Aaron’s head. “We can make that happen. I’m here for all the cuddles you want.”

So despite Aaron’s fluster, they get ready for bed and curl up beneath the covers. Aaron tucks his head under Alex’s chin, closes his eyes and sighs.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex asks.

“Found out via Eliza that Theodosia is moving back and getting a divorce. Which means I’m going to have to handle this whole -- _situation_ sooner than I thought. Which I don’t know how to do. It’s like, what a mess, I don’t know if Theo wants to meet her but she probably will, I don’t want to ever run into her again but I’m probably going to have to at least talk to her, and I don’t want my feelings about her to influence Theo’s opinion, and I feel like maybe I _should_ have told her, and she probably thinks so, but I -- I couldn’t do it, not the way it happened, and -- fuck. It couldn’t have been simpler, noooo, of course not.”

Alex hugs him tighter. “That sounds like a lot. We can figure it out, though.”

Aaron makes a muffled frustrated noise. “I wish there wasn’t so much to figure out, I’m so stressed out, so overwhelmed.”

“We don’t have to figure it out right now. We can get some sleep, and then tomorrow we can lay everything out and figure out the best way to move forward. We can do it together. It’ll be okay. Does that sound good?”

Aaron nods, and Alex kisses the top of his head.

“Good. I’m here for you, and I’m not gonna let anything bad happen if there is anything I can do to stop it. We’ll make it work.”

“Teamwork,” Aaron says sleepily.

Alex laughs, the sound soft and warm. “Yeah. Teamwork. Now get some rest, sleepyhead.”

Aaron says something very eloquent like _mmh_ and presses himself closer to Alex, and drifts off to sleep wrapped in his arms, safe and sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man get ready


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which new year's eve is celebrated and aaron sighs in exasperation many times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so perhaps the update schedule is going to be a little looser than every sunday (since, uh, it's wednesday) but it's still gonna be once a week to the best of my abilities <3

“Today’s New Year’s Eve,” Alex points out the next morning, while Aaron is still half asleep.

“Mm,” says Aaron, and pushes his face into the pillow. He hears Alex laugh softly. His hand rests on Aaron’s back, between his shoulderblades, and Aaron sighs. And then remembers how New Year’s is typically celebrated. “You have plans?” he asks, muffled by the pillow.

“Not really. I mean, Laf’s having a party thing but, y’know.”

“Hm,” says Aaron.

“Why, do you?”

“Theo ‘n I just stay in. Watch the New York thing on TV, but she usually falls asleep before midnight. So. That’s my plan.” He’s not speaking into the pillow anymore by the end, his head turned to face Alex.

“That sounds nice,” says Alex, and then they are at an awkward stalemate.

“Let’s… breakfast,” Aaron says, and gets out of bed to almost immediately trip on Lemonade as she runs into the room. “Okay, got to take Lemon out, then breakfast,” he says to Alex.

“I’ll take her,” Alex says, getting out of bed as well.

“You just don’t want to make breakfast.”

“Yeah, well, so?”

“Fair enough. I mean, I think we need groceries anyway, so it’s probably just cereal.”

Alex shrugs and exits the room with Lemonade.

 

Aaron and Theo are in the kitchen when Alex returns, with no shortage of commotion, clattering in through the door and making a racket.

“Hey, uh, Aaron?”

Aaron and Theo exchange a look. “What happened?” Aaron asks cautiously.

“Nothing bad! Nothing bad, I just, uh, y’know, it’s so cold outside, and Lemonade heard a sound and dragged me off to look and, well, uh,” Alex says, entering the room with something cradled in his hands. “We found a kitten,” he says, and sits down next to Aaron, still in his jacket and boots, and holds out his cupped hands with a black and white kitten inside.

Aaron immediately takes the kitten from him. “Well, don’t hold it away from you like that, if it’s been outside we’ve got to warm it up,” he says, holding it close to his chest, much warmer than the exterior of Alex’s coat. The kitten makes a very sad little yowl, and Aaron’s heart melts.

“Should I get a blanket?” asks a wide-eyed Theo. Aaron nods to her, and she bolts off to go find one.

“I couldn’t just leave it there,” says Alex, who looks very distressed.

“No, I’m glad you didn’t,” Aaron says, and starts to say more -- he isn’t sure what -- when Theo returns and Aaron tries to get a squirming kitten to cooperate. Once the kitten is settled, it is much calmer, and when Aaron tentatively scratches behind its ears, he can feel it start to purr. “Seems like it’s pretty okay. It’s purring,” he adds, because the sound is very quiet.

“Can I pet her?” Theo, who has been admirably restrained thus far, asks.

“Gently, just like I did,” Aaron says, showing her, and she imitates him, enraptured.

“I can feel her purr!” Theo whispers, smiling, delighted. Lemonade, who has been pacing around the kitchen with her tail wagging wildly, noses at Aaron’s leg. Theo plops down on the floor to hug Lemonade. “Lemon, you’re such a good dog! You found a kitten! What a good dog!”

Lemonade’s tail thumps loudly on the ground, and Aaron exchanges a smile with Alex.

“I, uh, did some googling,” Alex says, holding up his phone. “Since she -- is it a girl cat? I don’t know, that’s fine though -- was responsive and there wasn’t any concerning red ears or anything she’s probably okay? We should probably get her looked at though? Except I’m not really sure where might be open on New Year’s Eve…” He trails off and returns to typing, and then stops and shakes his head. “What am I thinking? I can just ask John. Is that cool, if he is able to come look at the cat?”

“Sure,” says Aaron. He doesn’t know John very well, they don’t naturally seem to be the type to bond easily, even with the amount of time they’ve spent near each other, but he is Alex’s friend, and by extension probably Aaron’s, and also a vet.

“Okay, cool, he said he can be here in like twenty minutes, so I’ll tell him that works?”

“Thank you,” says Aaron. “Also maybe take off your shoes and your coat at some point.”

Alex looks down at himself. “Oh, right. Yeah. I’ll do that.”

 

When John arrives, he is greeted -- and immediately charmed -- by Theo and the kitten. Theo ushers him to the kitchen, talking the whole way about everything she’s seen the kitten do -- mostly meow and purr and twitch its ears -- and Aaron sees John trying very hard not to smile.

“Thank you for coming,” Aaron says.

“Sure, no problem. I want to make sure your cat’s okay just as much as you do,” he says, accepting the cat from Theo. “Definitely a cute little thing --” The cat meows. “-- and talkative too,” he says, raising his eyebrows.

As he examines the cat, he pauses a moment to cast a glance at Alex. “You coming to Laf’s tonight?”

“Not sure,” says Alex, who is leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets.

John looks between Alex and Aaron, then back to the cat. “Fair enough. If you do come, you should bring snacks, since I’m just guessing that you might have to swing by a store to pick up some things for this one here,” he says, scritching the cat’s chin. “She’s in very good shape, though I’d keep an eye on her in case she catches a cold. How’s your dog with her? She seems very calm. Well,” he says, eyeing Lemonade and her tail, which has not stopped wagging, “by which I mean, not bothered by the cat’s presence.”

“Lemonade found the cat! They’re best friends,” Theo says. “Look how happy she is!”

“That’s good,” John says, and this time he does smile at Theo.

“Wait, do we get to keep her?” Theo asks.

John looks a little uncomfortable, and glances at Aaron. “I think you’ve gotta take that one up with your father.”

“We’ll see,” says Aaron, and Theo looks a little crestfallen, but doesn’t push.

“Do you want me to text you a list of stuff you’ll need? Unless you’re going to just take her to a shelter,” John says, looking doubtful.

“No, I think we’ll keep her here for the time being. That would be helpful, thank you.”

“Cool. I gotta run to the store for Laf before it gets much later, because, well, you know Laf,” John says, with a good-natured eyeroll. “See you later maybe, Alex? And Aaron, too, it’s cool if you come with. Not sure if Theo would have much to do there, but…?”

“Thank you, I’ll think on it,” Aaron says, and hopes that doesn’t sound like his probable ‘no’ is something personal, because it isn’t, and anyway he’s grateful for John’s help with the kitten.

 

After John leaves, they put the kitten in the bathroom, in case of -- accidents, and bundle up and go to the store. Theo is absolutely thrilled, and though she nearly always has a book all but glued to her hand when out and about, she’s too busy talking about the kitten to read.

“And she purred when I held her, she’s so good, the best cat in the whole _world_ , Dad, and Lemonade and I can be her big sisters,” she is saying, as they get a cart.

“She is a very good cat,” Aaron agrees, for the umpteenth time. “Let’s look at the list.”

So they go down the list, Theo trying to decipher Aaron’s handwriting, making a show of making faces at it to make Alex laugh.

“What does this say?”

“...Uh. I think it says -- well, it looks like it says cactus, but that’s probably cat and… something else.”

Theo and Alex are both in fits of giggles.

“Is this how your shopping trips usually go?” Alex says. “I want to be present for more of them.”

“No, she usually just brings a book and reads the whole time, I bet she didn’t even know what the inside of the grocery store looks like.”

“Hey! I do so!” Theo says indignantly.

Aaron laughs a little; not teasing, but kind. “I know you do, T. It was hyperbole.”

“What’s hyperbole? It’s a funny word.”

“It is a funny word! It’s like an exaggerated exaggeration to emphasize a point. Like saying your feet hurt so much that they’re going to fall off, when really they’re just a little sore.”

“Oh, that makes sense! Hyperbole,” she mumbles again, and returns to frowning at the list. “After that we’re getting what is _probably_ supposed to be ‘cat litter,’ unless that’s not a real thing either.”

“No, that’s a real thing,” Aaron assures her, and they continue forth.

 

Finally, after an extended shopping trip, and endless teasing about Aaron’s handwriting, they make it home, and get everything for the cat set up, and then collapse onto the couch. Theo, actually, sits on the floor, trying to entertain the kitten with toys. The kitten seems rather overwhelmed.

“What are we going to do with her?” Theo asks, not for the first time.

“I don’t know,” Aaron replies, also not for the first time.

“Are you allowed another pet in your apartment?” Alex chips in, for the first time.

Aaron frowns. “The neighbors have two cats, but that’s a little different than a dog and a cat.” He shrugs. “And, I mean, you found her --”

“Lemonade found her,” Alex corrects. “And I wouldn’t -- I’m not at home often enough for a pet.”

Aaron sighs, and he finds himself met with pleading faces from every being in the room. “All right, well, she’ll need a name.”

“Yes!” chirps Theo. “I had so many ideas already, what about S’more, ‘cause she’s black and white? Or, uh --”

“Quantum Physics,” Alex chips in. Aaron groans. Theo looks intrigued.

“What’s that?”

“A really complicated branch of science,” Aaron says.

“Like Schrodinger’s Cat,” Alex says. “A cat in a closed box could either be dead or alive, but how would you know until you looked in the box? Or something like that.”

Theo thinks about that. “I’m glad our cat is alive,” she says. “And Quantum Physics sounds pretty cool.”

Aaron sighs again and looks at Alex in exasperation. Alex looks triumphant.

“So it shall be, then,” Aaron says. “Quantum Physics.”

 

And so the rest of the day is spent trying not to smother Quantum Physics the cat with attention, but she does prove herself to be a friendly cat, once the strangeness of the new environment wears off a little bit. Alex gets several pictures of Aaron with the little cat sitting on his shoulder, then ten minutes later tells him it’s already got twenty likes on Instagram.

“You put my picture on Instagram?”

Alex shrugs. “Yeah, it’s cute.”

Aaron sighs. Alex gives him an annoyingly charming smile.

 

At around eight that night, Aaron remembers the party. “Aren’t you going to go?” he asks Alex, who is lying down on the couch, petting Lemonade who is napping on the floor beside him.

“Oh. Yeah, huh, maybe, I guess.”

“You don’t sound that interested. Let me guess, you want me to invite you to stay.”

Alex’s sheepish grin is all the answer Aaron needs.

“You are so frustrating,” Aaron says. “Won’t they be disappointed you aren’t there?”

“They’ll be fine, it’s going to be crazy anyway, they’ll hardly even notice I’m not there.”

“Ah, yes. A loud party is totally not your type of scene, nor an environment in which you thrive.”

“Okay, well, it’s nice spending time in, too. Plus Lemonade would be really disappointed if I stopped petting her anytime soon.”

“She’s asleep.”

Alex takes his hand away; Lemonade blinks awake and turns to give Alex a plaintive look.

“I hate it when you’re right,” Aaron grumbles. Alex smiles innocently and returns to petting Lemonade.

 

They make popcorn and sit in front of the TV. Theo claims the other end of the couch, with Aaron between her and Alex, the cat having taken up residence in Aaron’s lap. Alex and Lemonade are still in essentially the same configuration, with Alex periodically absentmindedly scrolling through his phone.

Theo is, of course, at first elated to be allowed to be up past her bedtime, but with each passing half-hour she seems to droop a little more, and by 10:45 she has fallen asleep with her head on the armrest of the couch.

Aaron waits to see if she will stir, and once it hits eleven and she is still softly snoring, he gathers her carefully into his arms and carries her to her room. He drapes the blanket over her, and in her sleep she pulls it closer, tucks her face deeper into the pillow, and sighs contentedly. Aaron can’t keep from smiling as he leaves the room and gently shuts the door.

“Time for the real party?” Alex says, sitting up upon Aaron’s reentry. Aaron rolls his eyes good-naturedly and sits down next to him, perhaps a little closer than necessary.

“Oh, boy, real exciting, watching New Year’s happen in New York on TV while trying not to wake up my daughter.”

“I did bring champagne with me last night, it’s in the fridge. If, y’know. That’s something you like, or are interested in, it’s -- I mean, no pressure, of course, it’s just, y’know, the holiday,” he says, backpedaling at whatever shows on Aaron’s face.

“No, don’t worry, that’s okay, I -- sure, just a little, though.”

So Alex scampers off to the kitchen, leaving in his wake a disgruntled Lemonade, who wanders off to her own bed to curl up instead. Quantum Physics the cat follows her curiously, and makes a bed out of climbing onto Lemonade’s back and curling up there.

Alex returns, obviously nervous, with two glasses. “I just -- used the little glasses, ‘cause you didn’t have anything else, and --”

“Alex, hey. Breathe. It’s okay. It’s just fine. Thank you,” says Aaron, accepting his glass from Alex, and Alex sits down next to him.

“That was supposed to be a lot more sophisticated,” Alex says.

Aaron laughs. “I’m sure. The best laid plans, and all that, or whatever.”

“Yeah,” says Alex, and gives Aaron that disarming smile of his over the rim of his glass, so bright that Aaron has to look away.

 

As it approaches midnight, their half-emptied glasses sit forgotten on the coffee table, as they get caught up in talking. Alex sings along badly -- and quietly, so as not to wake Theo -- with the singers on TV, making up the words where he doesn’t know them to make Aaron laugh. It works only too well.

Aaron doesn’t notice how close he is to Alex until the people on the show start making a big deal out of the countdown, and his heart starts to race.

Right.

There is that fact, the fact that he’s wanted to kiss Alex for months now, that he still hasn’t, that he’s been waiting and waiting and he doesn’t know what for except that he’s _terrified_ , filled with fear at the idea of a new relationship, at letting someone in fully --

Except, hasn’t he already done that, really?

Who knows as much about Aaron as Alex does, now?

 

As the clock ticks to zero, Aaron and Alex’s eyes keep catching and looking abruptly away, again and again, until at the count of one Aaron leans in and closes the distance between them.

They don’t separate until well after the new year has begun; Alex, at first frozen in surprise, cups Aaron’s face in his hands and kisses him slow and deep and hungry, and by the time they move apart Aaron is all but in Alex’s lap, his hands clutching tight to the fabric of Alex’s shirt.

They stare at each other, too stunned to speak. Aaron realizes he is shaking.

Alex is the first to break the silence with a nervous laugh.

“Well, that happened,” Aaron says, and his voice is shaky too.

“Yeah,” says Alex. “Yeah, it -- yeah. I. Wow.”

“Yeah,” says Aaron, and they’re both filled with shaky laughter and still holding each other with tentative, careful hands. “Was -- was that okay?”

“Aaron,” Alex says, touching Aaron’s cheek, “believe me when I say that’s the best thing that’s happened to me in at _least_ the past year.” His joke lands on Aaron and Aaron pushes his face against Alex’s shirt to muffle his laughter. “And by that I do mean the past 365 days, if not more,” Alex adds, more softly.

“Yeah,” says Aaron, who is all nerves. “Wow, I can’t believe I just did that.”

“We could do more of it, if you were so inclined,” Alex says.

And Aaron wants to say yes, he really, really wants to, but he doesn’t know what happens now -- does Alex stay over? Are they together now? What does this mean?

Alex sees the hesitation, and leans back to give Aaron some space. “What is it?” he asks.

“I just -- I don’t know -- what does this mean -- for us?”

“Whatever you want it to,” Alex says, but Aaron knows the hope in his voice and he doesn’t want to crush it with his fear.

“I don’t know,” is all Aaron can say. “I don’t know.”

Alex is so gentle when he replies with, “What don’t you know?”

“I’m so scared,” Aaron says. “I’ve -- it’s been a long time, and that was -- it was the only time I’ve ever been serious with anyone, and I want to take this seriously and I -- I don’t think it would happen the way it did before, but -- I -- it’s so much, putting a name to it terrifies me.”

“We don’t have to put a name to it,” Alex says. “We can keep doing what we’re doing -- we don’t have to keep kissing, even, if you don’t want, we don’t have to change a thing if you aren’t comfortable with it.”

“I liked it, though,” Aaron says, and then has to look away, too embarrassed to look Alex in the face.

“We can keep doing it, then,” Alex says, with a smile in his voice. “But that doesn’t have to change our relationship, you know? If you want to be in an official, capital-R Relationship, we can do that. If not? That’s cool, too, and I’m more than happy. I’m just happy you’re in my life, honestly.”

“Okay,” says Aaron, and then, “okay,” a little more steadily. “I like that idea. It’s -- it’s a lot more manageable.”

“Okay,” says Alex. “Sounds good to me.”

Aaron moves off Alex’s lap, but keeps hold of Alex’s hand. “Don’t take this personally -- it’s not, I just -- a lot just happened, and I think -- I think it might be best if you don’t stay the night.”

“That’s more than fair,” says Alex. “May I kiss you goodbye, then?”

Aaron smiles at him. “That’s more than fair,” he says, and Alex pulls him close.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which lunch is had with maria and a friend. content warning for discussion of abuse

11:52 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
lmao everyone’s texting me whining about being hungover

11:53 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
HAH SUCKS TO SUCK I’M NOT AND I GOT TO KISS A CUTE GUY

11:55 AM | Aaron Burr  
Oh my god

11:56 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
it’s the best like for once i get to gloat like lol they feel like shit and i kissed aaron butt

11:56 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
FUCK

11:56 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
BURR

11:56 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
I HATE AUTOCORRECT

11:57 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
you do have a nice butt tho

11:57 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
just saying

11:58 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
like goddamn

11:59 PM | Aaron Burr  
I put my phone down for like three minutes and this is what I come back to??

12:00 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
THIS IS NOT MY FAULT OK

12:01 PM | Aaron Burr  
Whatever you say.

12:02 PM | Aaron Burr  
I’m having lunch with a client as soon as they get here so please do not text me incessantly :)

12:02 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
wow that smiley face was passive aggressive as fuck do u really not want to talk to me?? :c

12:04 PM | Aaron Burr  
I enjoy talking with you, of course I do, I would just like to not have my phone vibrate its way out of my pocket while I’m trying to hold a conversation.

12:05 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
...put ur phone on do not disturb?

12:05 PM | Aaron Burr  
How

12:06 PM | Aaron Burr  
Nvm I figured it out. Anyway talk to you later bye ;)

12:06 PM | Aaron Burr  
I meant :)

12:06 PM | Aaron Burr  
But not passive aggressive this time. Maybe :-) ?

12:07 PM | Aaron Burr  
Ugh never mind I actually have to go now bye

12:08 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
holy shit you are so fucking cute

 

Aaron looks up from his phone as Maria walks in, followed by another woman who he doesn’t recognize. She’s a little shorter than Maria, with a fluffy frohawk and a nervous smile as Maria leads her by the hand.

“Aaron!” Maria says cheerfully, sliding into the booth across from him. “This is Sally Hemings. Sally, this is Aaron, he’s not a dick, I promise.”

“I do my best, anyway,” Aaron says, offering his hand. Sally shakes it; her smile is shaky too.

The waiter comes and takes their drink orders, and then Maria gets serious. She rests her chin in her hand and leans in a little, conspiratorial. Aaron is almost overwhelmed by her change in demeanor since the first time they met; she had been at least as scared as Sally, back then.

“So. I heard you work with Thomas Jefferson,” Maria says; Sally winces, and the pieces click together.

_Fuck_.

“Yes,” Aaron says, unsure of what else to say.

“He won’t leave me alone,” Sally says, quietly. “Ever since his wife died -- we had, uh, sort of, an affair, I guess you’d call it, but I didn’t know and -- and either way, I keep trying to end it but he won’t stop contacting me and coming over and I just really want him to stop.”

The waiter returns for their drinks and their food orders, inopportunistically timed, but as soon as they leave, Aaron has composed a response.

“There’s several different routes we can take. If you want to take this to court, depending on what has occurred -- I won’t ask now, this isn’t the place -- it would definitely be possible to arrange a restraining order, and we can talk about pressing charges. If you aren’t sure, we can find an alternate course of action. Honestly, I’d even talk to him myself for you, see if he’ll maybe listen to another man.” Aaron tries not to make a face at that.

He feels sick knowing that this was the hot gossip of the office for months and no one thought any harder about it.

Sally is quiet for a long moment, absorbing this. “I -- don’t have much of a steady income right now,” she says hesitantly. “I’m not sure I could afford to take it to court --”

“Don’t worry about that. The most important thing is your safety.”

“I’m not sure if I -- if that’s the best idea yet. I mean, maybe he’ll listen if you talk to him?” She sounds as doubtful as she looks. “But I don’t want to -- get you in trouble, or something.”

“I can absolutely do that for you. He isn’t my boss.” Between his words, he says _I’m willing to risk this for you_. He doesn’t know if she hears it, but he thinks Maria does, judging by how she studies Aaron. “Let’s figure out what you’re okay with me saying.”

* * *

“Can you stay somewhere else for a while?” Aaron asks, as they’re getting up to leave. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go back to your apartment.”

“I’m staying with Maria,” Sally says. “I don’t think it’s a good idea either. He still has a key, and I can’t afford to change the locks. So. Luckily Maria doesn’t seem to mind,” she adds, with a shy smile in Maria’s direction.

“Of course not! It’s so much better in that apartment with two people, anyway. Weird nighttime noises aren’t nearly as scary with a roommate.”

Sally giggles. “True.”

Sally seems more at ease when they part ways; Aaron leaves her his card and writes his personal number on it -- “In case of emergencies--” and she accepts it soberly. Maria slings her arm around Sally’s waist as they walk away, and Sally leans into her touch.

Aaron turns and starts off for the office, already planning what to say.

 

“Thomas! Just the person I was looking for,” Aaron says, with the tight, professional smile that makes Alex so uneasy. (“It looks so real but it’s so fake!” “Alexander, that’s the point.”) Thomas turns, and blinks at Aaron as though he’s never seen him before and doesn’t know who he is. Another power move. Aaron is familiar; he can play this game.

“What can I do for you?” Thomas says mildly, looking at Aaron as he stirs his coffee.

“Actually, I think the better question may be what you can do for me,” Aaron says, perfectly cheerful, and Thomas’s focus perceptibly sharpens.

“Oh?” says Thomas.

“I recently had a meeting with a client,” Aaron says, “and though it seems to me that she would have a more than valid case for anything she was interested in pursuing, I thought I’d run it past you.” Thomas raises his eyebrows, inclining his head, clearly thinking Aaron is heading towards asking advice. “My client has had repeated incidents of unwanted contact from someone she is attempting to leave a relationship with. He refuses to take no for an answer and has often showed up at her home unprompted --”

“What are you trying to do?”

“Hm. Well, in the first place, I’m trying to get him to stop before the next step, where she presses charges, hence why I’ve met up with him in the break room.” His smile is less nice this time.

Thomas freezes. “Wh -- are you trying to blackmail me?”

“No. Let me be perfectly clear: you are not listening to a woman’s no and that is absolutely grounds for legal action under these circumstances. I’m her lawyer. I’m doing what she wanted me to: ask you if you would leave her alone without bringing you to court. If not -- that’s the next step. Please pick your jaw up off the floor, you can’t possibly have imagined this day wouldn’t come.”

“You wouldn’t risk your job,” Thomas says, but he doesn’t sound certain.

“I’m really not sure what about this would be risking my job -- I am, in fact, _doing_ my job, and I think our boss would probably agree, given the circumstances and a fair hearing.”

Thomas looks like he might explode; he opens and closes his mouth several times, but has nothing else to say.

Aaron smiles at him, pleasant as he can manage. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Thomas. Have a good evening.”

Aaron leaves the room, and by the time he’s left the building, his hands are shaking. He checks his phone.

5:27 PM | Maria Lewis  
Sally & I are home. Got her neighbor to keep an eye/ear out @ her apartment just in case

6:43 PM | Aaron Burr  
Good. Stay safe. I talked to him; he was very angry to have been cornered about it. Not sure if he’s the type to get violent but I wouldn’t want to risk it.

6:44 PM | Maria Lewis  
Yeah 4 real. Thx so much for doing this she’s been so freaked out

6:44 PM | Aaron Burr  
No one deserves to feel like that.

6:45 PM | Maria Lewis  
No, never

6:46 PM | Maria Lewis  
Also

6:53 PM | Maria Lewis  
I feel like it’s weird that I know this but I met ur ex the other day. Theodosia Prevost? Really weird combo of circumstances, also her friend is Eliza’s sister n apparently mentioned u were kind-of dating Alex Hamilton which. I’m smh but I mean. As long as ur ok. I’ll give u a lecture abt that a different time. Anyway the reason I know this is bc I had ur business card in my wallet to give 2 Sally & she saw it and kept asking me stuff and basically my point is. I kno she’s prob not in the same xtreme awful category as Thomas or James but….. If u need anything. I got ur back.

6:55 PM | Aaron Burr  
Thanks, Maria. I really do appreciate that.

6:55 PM | Aaron Burr  
(And the concern about Alex. Feel free to give me that lecture whenever you are up to it. I think he’s finally learning, at least.)

6:56 PM | Maria Lewis  
GOOD. He fuckin better be

6:58 PM | Maria Lewis  
Just don’t let him fuck with u!! If u think he’s being a shit he probably is and u should immediately gtfo. Don’t put urself through any bs on his behalf. He doesn’t deserve you but if he treats u right I’ll let it slide. MAYBE >:(

6:59 PM | Aaron Burr  
Duly noted. I do promise I’m being careful.

7:00 PM | Maria Lewis  
Good. Give him a mean look 4 me next time u see him. Don’t gotta explain it just do it

7:01 PM | Aaron Burr  
You got it.

7:02 PM | Maria Lewis  
:D

7:02 PM | Maria Lewis  
Ok gotta make dinner so g2g but bless ur soul and thx for meeting with me and Sally today

7:03 PM | Aaron Burr  
Any time. Keep me posted, if you can.

7:03 PM | Maria Lewis  
Will do. Ttyl. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do ;P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all thought the friend was gonna be theodosia smh  
> (but of course she did show up anyway)
> 
> in other news -- this is kind of the 'end of june/early july update' bc my life is suddenly busy aaahhhh and between this and the gift exchange fic i'm working on and like, my real life, i don't have a ton of time for anything. so there might not be an update this coming week but We Will See. i'm doing my best tho and i want to have this fic finished by august -- we're in the home stretch, believe it or not. it'll probably be aroooound 20 chapters? but who knows


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY I RETURN TO YOU

Aaron wakes up to the sound of his phone buzzing with a new text. He groans and reaches for it, expecting a text from Alex, who is always messaging him at odd hours. He squints at the bright screen.

7:25 AM | [Unknown Number]  
Hi, Aaron, this is Theodosia Prevost. Can you give me a call when you get a chance?

Aaron’s heart stops.

He drops his phone back onto his dresser and pulls the blankets over his head, like that’ll make everything outside of them disappear. But his alarm goes off five minutes later, just as he’s launched fully into overthinking, and he hits the snooze button with a shaky hand.

He considers calling in sick to work and also maybe just cancelling his entire life.

He hears Theo rattling around in the kitchen and groans. Not so easy to avoid your life when there are pressing obligations, like feeding your child and taking the dog out.

He feels kind of like a zombie as he goes through the motions of his morning, gets himself and Theo ready for the day, and before he knows it he’s at work and still at a loss for what to do. He avoids going into the message app, even though he knows he has read receipts turned off, in case she somehow knows he’s seen it.

(Of course she probably knows anyway, it’s certainly been long enough.)

He’s distracted with Alex when he comes in; Alex gives him concerned looks but doesn’t push him, beyond “hey, are you okay?”

“Eh,” says Aaron. “I’ll be fine. I… gotta make a phone call I don’t want to make.”

Alex studies him. He hopes he’s not mad that he can’t bring himself to talk about it, not out loud, not here, not yet, not until after he knows what’s going on.

But Alex just hands him his cup of coffee and leans in to kiss the top of Aaron’s head. “All right,” he says. “Good luck. I’m here for you. If you want me to come over tonight, just let me know, okay?”

“Okay,” Aaron says. “That would be nice, actually.”

“Nice,” Alex says, with that bright grin of his. “I’ll come swing by your office at lunch and check in, okay?”

“Thank you,” Aaron says, and catches Alex’s hand in his. Impulsively, he brings it to his lips, presses a soft kiss to Alex’s knuckles, and Alex practically glows.

When Alex leaves, Aaron is left alone with his phone burning a hole in his pocket and his anxiety coiling in his chest.

What the fuck.

Fine.

He might as well just call and get it over with.

He gets up and closes the door to his office, so no one can eavesdrop, and sits back down heavily in his chair. He takes a deep breath, his finger hovering over the call button, and then closes his eyes and presses it before he can talk himself out of it.

His pending panic attack roars inside him, makes his whole body shake, but he holds fast as it rings, once, then twice, then three --

“Hello,” says Theodosia, and the world doesn’t end.

“Hi,” says Aaron, and then he doesn’t know what else to say.

The silence draws out for several long seconds; Theodosia must be feeling much the same, but she finally breaks the silence. “I, uh, think we have a lot to catch up on.”

“Fair enough,” Aaron says.

“Could we meet up for lunch sometime? I -- you must have your reasons, I’m sure, but I’d really like to at least talk about… everything, I guess.”

“By everything I assume you mean Theo?”

An awkward pause. “Mainly, yeah.”

Aaron sighs. “Yeah, okay. That seems… yeah, okay. When were you thinking?”

“Whenever, really?”

“Narrow it down, maybe?”

“Sometime this week? Tomorrow? Today? Next time the first of the month is on a Tuesday?”

Aaron snorts, despite himself. “I feel like sooner is probably better. I hear you’re kind of in the area?”

“Yeah, I work for Angelica Schuyler, if you know --”

“Yeah, she’s my friend’s sister.”

“Yeah,” says Theodosia, and Aaron drums his fingers on the desk. Wonders how much she knows about his life now, how much she wheedled out of their mutual acquaintances.

Aaron sighs. “Okay. Well, we might as well meet up sooner than later.” He leaves unsaid the, _so I can’t talk myself out of it_ , but he thinks she hears it anyway.

“Okay, when?”

He feels a little nauseous from the talking in circles, neither of them wanting to be the one to make the decision. He looks at his watch. “Was your suggestion of today a joke?”

“No.”

He frowns at the clock. “Pick a place and I’ll meet you there at noon.”

 

As soon as he hangs up the phone, he goes to Alex’s office. Alex stands immediately and pulls Aaron into a hug at the look on his face.

“What’s up?”

“I’m meeting Theodosia for lunch at noon,” Aaron says weakly.

Alex pulls back to stare at him, and Aaron presses his face back against Alex’s shirt. “Did you just make these plans?”

“Yes. She texted me this morning. Wanted me to call her. Just got off the phone.”

“Goddamn.”

“Yeah.”

Alex squeezes him tighter. “It’ll be okay. If something goes weird just go to the bathroom and text me or call me and I’ll be there to rescue you.”

“My hero,” Aaron says, with a faint smile.

“I got your back,” Alex says, and kisses him lightly. It melts some of Aaron’s anxiety away.

 

When Aaron arrives, Theodosia is sitting in plain sight of the entrance, and gives Aaron a little wave when she sees him. He takes a deep breath to steady himself, and goes to her.

“I ordered you a coffee,” she says, with an almost sheepish smile. “I got here kind of early.”

“Thanks,” says Aaron. She looks almost as nervous as he feels; it makes him feel the tiniest bit better. She taps her nails on the table; they’re painted a bright magenta with careful stripes. She’s always had a talent for details like that. He takes a sip of the coffee; it’s his usual order. Hasn’t changed. Of course she remembers. Details.

His eyes fall to her hand; no ring. Right. He suspects her impending divorce might be a tribute to him -- that is, if she’s had no one else in the interim.

The silence between them stretches on and on. For all the times Aaron has imagined what he’d say to her if he saw her again, he can’t find a sentence to string together now.

“So how’ve you been?” Theodosia says finally.

“Oh, you know. Living it up,” he says dryly, then sighs, shakes his head as if to shake off the insincerity. “No, I’ve been okay. Theo’s amazing, I have a job, I have friends, things are going very well for me, actually.” _Aside from your reappearance_. “What about you?”

Theodosia shrugs mildly. “Busy, really, with the move and whatnot.” She taps her fingers on the table again; nervous habit. “My, um. My ex? Got transferred back here, and then after you and I, uh, re-encountered each other, the story sort of came out. I didn’t really mean for him to know, but I -- it -- yeah.”

Aaron raises his eyebrows in an unspoken question.

“I sort of freaked out,” she admits.

“Understandable,” Aaron concedes. “It was a bit of a shock for me too, at first.”

“She looks so much like you.”

“Hah. I get that a lot,” he says, but can’t help the little smile that sneaks onto his face at the thought of his daughter, but then he sobers. “Am I correct in hypothesizing that you are interested in meeting her?”

“So formal,” Theodosia murmurs. Aaron pointedly doesn’t react. “Yes, that -- yeah.”

Aaron keeps hold of his coffee cup to keep from fidgeting, to keep from revealing his shaking hands. He’s past anxiety; he’s so nervous it’s spiraled back into calm.

Oh, he knows he’s going to break down so badly later, but right now he’s just grateful his brain is in _shut up feelings it’s time to be perfectly calm and logical and say the right words_ mods right now. He’s lucky that that happens to him; he knows Theodosia often stutters and has a hard time finding the right words when she’s anxious. He only feels a little bad that he has that advantage right now. He’s certainly been tongue-tied around her plenty of times; he’s more than paid the stuttering price of his calm coherence now.

He’s absurdly, deeply grateful for his freshman year speech classes as he calmly spells out their schedule for her, when they might be able to meet up.

He leaves the coffee shop with a date, a time, and the roaring tide of his anxiety threatening to press forward now that he’s out of the situation.

He pulls out his phone to send a text as he walks.

1:33 PM | Aaron Burr  
If this is overstepping you can 1000% say no but can I ask a favor of you?

1:34 PM | Maria Lewis  
I don’t agree to favors w/o knowing what they are :P

1:35 PM | Aaron Burr  
I’m getting there!

1:35 PM | Maria Lewis  
Take ur time

1:40 PM | Aaron Burr  
Okay I know this is a lot to ask and you can say no and I really promise I won’t be upset but Theodosia wants to meet Theo and I really don’t want to go alone and I don’t want to put you in a bad situation so if you’re not comfortable please say so but… you were the first person I thought of and so I wanted to ask you and yeah.

1:42 PM | Maria Lewis  
Aww omg Aaron u are allowed to ask things of people! Trust me I have no trouble saying no to you

1:42 PM | Maria Lewis  
But I’m not saying no

1:43 PM | Maria Lewis  
Hmu with the details and I’ll be there as intimidatingly as possible

1:43 PM | Maria Lewis  
To intimidate her not you

1:44 PM | Aaron Burr  
I can’t guarantee I won’t be intimidated too. :-)  
Thank you so much though. I really appreciate it. I’ll nail down the details and get back to you.

1:45 PM | Maria Lewis  
Np :)

Aaron locks his phone and rubs his hands over his face. He takes a deep breath and sighs it out slowly.

Fuck.

He’s really doing this.

But first, he’s going home.

He unlocks his phone again and calls Alex, who picks up on the first ring.

“Can you cover for me? I’m going home. It went okay, I’m just -- just not okay to go back to work,” Aaron says, as a greeting.

“Yeah, shit -- yeah, for sure. Do you want me there?”

“Kinda,” Aaron says. “I mean -- I can wait until you’re done, don’t worry about it --”

“Nope, I’m coming,” Alex says, and Aaron suspects he’d have said that unless Aaron had really not wanted him around. “I’ll meet you at your apartment in like twenty minutes. Do you want me to stay on the phone?”

“No. I’ll be okay.”

“Okay. See you soon.”

“See you soon,” Aaron echoes, then hangs up. He starts for his apartment. It’s a nice day. His chest is tight, it’s kind of hard to breathe -- but he makes it home, curls up in his bed to wait for Alex.

He’s anxious, he’s scared, it’s how his brain reacts to stress, but he doesn’t feel like the world is ending. He wants to talk all this out with Alex, he wants to be held, he wants to be told that it will be okay and that Theo meeting Theodosia won’t be the most terrifying thing that ever happens to him -- but maybe, just maybe, he can feel somewhere deep inside him that he can get through this.

After all, he won’t have to do it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly people who can do words when they're anxious are probably wizards?? i have friends that are like this and i'm pretty sure it's magic??
> 
> ANYWAY SO there's somewhere vaguely between 4-7 chapters left (i haven't pinned it down lol) but as you can tell i am not exactly updating consistently (i do apologize! life's been wild) so they'll get written when they get written and as soon as they're done i will promptly throw them onto ao3 B)
> 
> thanks for sticking around! support and kind words mean the absolute world to me.

**Author's Note:**

> i can be found [@hambrr](http://hambrr.tumblr.com/) on tumblr
> 
> comments and kudos give me the strength 2 go on


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